When my wife first became pregnant six years ago, we were so excited. We watched in awe as friends welcomed their new babies home. It seemed like they were always going on about how marvelous their breastfeeding experiences were. For my family, this piece of the postpartum period is where things got intense. My baby just wouldn't latch — the experience destroyed my wife physically and emotionally, and I felt helpless by her side. 

My family's experience wasn't uncommon. About 70 percent of mothers experience breastfeeding difficulties including "cracked nipples, perception of insufficient amount of milk, pain and fatigue," according to a 2019 study,[1] and 59 percent of moms say nursing is harder than they thought it would be, a 2022 What to Expect survey found. 

Yet I didn't know this at the time to give her much reassurance. With our first baby, I was unprepared; my wife would be in the bedroom in tears while I cradled a screaming baby, fretting that they were going to starve to death. For our second baby, I realized the kids would survive, so I was able to simply be present for my wife as she crashed, to call for help when she needed it, and to make sure she had tons of snacks and cold water. By the third birth, I knew when to take the baby, when to call a professional and when my wife had the situation under control. The latching was still a struggle, but I could give my wife the support she needed. Over the course of three pregnancies, I've learned how to be a better advocate for my wife. 

In 2020, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) launched the Hear Her campaign, encouraging the people who work with, care for and love pregnant women to listen to them when something feels off. Listening to your partner when troubles arise is crucial — possibly life-saving — but there are so many more ways we can advocate to make the journey more pleasant. Here's how experts say you can be the best advocate for your significant other during pregnancy, birth and postpartum. 

What partners can do during pregnancy

Educate yourself

The first step partners should take "is to educate themselves on pregnancy and the changes that their partners will go through when they're pregnant," says Kenneth Baker, M.D., chair of obstetrics and gynecology for St. Peter's Health Partners in Albany, New York,

Get familiar with morning sickness, fatigue, headaches and the other physical and emotional pregnancy symptoms that can pop up along the way.  This allows you to be empathetic and do a better job as a support person. 

When doing your studies, make sure you consult reliable sources, Dr. Baker says. Lean on professionals — a provider, doctor, midwife, doula — to give recommendations. "Someone who you trust and know can give you truthful information and not a blog," he says.

Attend prenatal visits

When attending appointments, do not take a passive seat, says Asasiya Muhammad, C.P.M., L.M., a Philadelphia-based midwife. 

"It's important for dads and partners to feel empowered to ask questions if something doesn't sit right with them," Muhammad says. "It signals to the provider that you guys are aware and that you are paying attention, so they can't just tell you anything. They'll be a little bit more careful in how they deliver care."

Keep a list of questions

Prenatal appointments can feel overwhelming, and pregnant patients can easily forget to discuss important things. 

"Partners and spouses can be really great tools for carrying the questions," says Erika Davis, a Tacoma, Washington-based doula. Between visits, write down questions you and your partner have, and bring the list to appointments. 

Hire a doula

All of the advocacy shouldn't fall on the partner's shoulders, Davis says. That's too much for one person to carry. 

"Partners are not professional birth support people," Muhammad says. She recommends hiring a birth coach or doula, so you're not in "a guard dog role, but in an emotional, moral support role."

Doulas are trained professionals who provide emotional, physical and educational support and advocate for you and your partner during the birthing journey. (Many know amazing massages!)

Prices for doulas vary depending on your family's needs and where you live. Insurance will sometimes cover doula services, or you can pay using an HSA and FSA, ask about sliding scale fees or look for grants. Another option: Put a doula fund on your baby registry.       

Ask about your partner's birth preferences

Discuss what you and your partner want for the birth before the day comes. (Davis prefers the term "birth vision" or "birth preferences" to birth plan because plans always change.)

Questions to ask yourselves when coming up with the plan, Dr. Baker says, include: Does your partner want pain medication or want to avoid a cesarean section? Discuss the pronouns you want the medical staff to use, and make that clear to them. 

Davis says that it's also important to discuss variables beforehand: What happens if your partner needs more medication, or what happens if the baby is breech and a cesarean is recommended? 

Look for signs of problems, and have phone numbers on hand

If problems arise, do not ignore them or have your partner brush them off. Everyone should have contact information for the care team (the OB/GYN, doula, midwife … ) on hand. Hopefully you have a good relationship with the birth workers, so you can call them with questions if you are nervous or worried. (I did —  sometimes daily.)

Pregnancy-related warning signs include really fast swelling, seeing spots, shooting sharp abdominal pain that is clearly not menstrual cramps or Braxton Hicks pains, and excessive bleeding. 

Anticipate what your partner will want

If it's baking outside, blast the A/C before your partner hops in the car. If morning sickness hits, grab a towel. Scour the earth and sea for whatever food craving arises.

"I have never let my wife live down the fact that she wouldn't get me watermelon because it wasn't in season," says Davis. "Just do it. Figure it out. Find it."

What partners can do during labor and delivery

Create an environment of trust

"Trust helps to facilitate the production of oxytocin," Muhammad says, so make sure the entire experience is based around it. Oxytocin is the love and bonding hormone that helps labor progress, and it can't be created if fear is lurking in the room. 

Read your partner's body language so you can help when needed. Make caring eye contact. Let your partner know you are there.

Ask questions

Speak up to health providers about you and your partner's birth wishes. Frequently check in with your partner's feelings. If things don't progress as planned, ask for a moment to talk privately about the birth preferences you discussed earlier.

Ask providers questions, too, making sure they know you want to be informed: "We're not letting this experience happen to us," Muhammad says. "We are going to be the ones who drive the ship."

Don't allow stragglers into the room

Pre-birth, ask your partner who is allowed in the delivery room. Unless the birthing person wants siblings in the room, concoct a plan to keep the kids away and distracted. Maybe have a neighbor or a grandparent on stand-by for child care that day.  

Do the paperwork

Once the baby is born, take responsibility for filling out the forms, says Davis. This includes your baby's birth certificate and social security form as well as other administrative tasks for your insurance or the specific state you live in. (Full disclosure: Our midwife filled out most of our forms. I did nothing.)

What partners can do postpartum

Get that sweet skin-to-skin contact

Of course, the birthing person gets first dibs at holding the baby, but the instant the opportunity arises, yank your shirt off and cradle that baby to your chest. Make sure that the doctor or midwife knows that you want all the bonding experiences. 

"There's nothing like a newborn baby resting on your chest," Dr. Baker says.

Organize a support crew beforehand

Get helpers lined up. Do not think you can handle everything yourself, because "you're going to need help, too," Muhammad says.

Davis recommends calling family and friends before the birth to figure out who will set up the meal train and who will babysit siblings. 

Have a lactation consultant on deck 

"Feeding a child is one of those things that when it goes bad, it goes bad fast," Davis says. "It can be really helpful, especially thinking about queer families, to find a lactation consultant beforehand that is going to be respectful of your family."

Lactation consultants provide expert tools and guidance to work through various breastfeeding struggles. Your insurance might pay for one, or you can use an HSA or FSA. Ask about sliding scale fees if you're concerned about the cost.

Be a caregiver to your partner

Make caring for your partner your priority. Be the one diapering the baby. Get your partner water. Bring over snacks. Acknowledge the work that's gone in, Davis advises. 

You can say something like, "I cannot believe you're up all night with the baby. Let me take the baby now so you can get an hour to nap."

Pay attention 

The same signs that signify problems in pregnancy are danger signs after birth: fast swelling, seeing spots, shooting abdominal pain, and excessive bleeding. 

Beyond physical symptoms, keep an eye out for mental and emotional ones too. 

"Pay attention to signs of sadness, grief, exhaustion," Muhammad says. "The risks of postpartum depression increase with sleep deprivation, so create an environment where she is able to rest."

If your partner is crying, do not minimize the crying, Davis says. Instead "advocate by just validating and affirming." Keep support staff informed on everything and reach out for help.

Make sure your own mental health is in order

I could never have been there for my partner if I hadn't learned coping skills to overcome my own anxiety. If I didn't have my own support group, including friends and family who have been through the birthing journey as well as my therapist, to run worries by, I would have put it all on my wife. 

Each subsequent kiddo got to watch me learn to best care for myself and their mom. I had a community to support me, and when the kids arrived, they had a community to love them, too.