I had never heard of the idea of being "touched out" back when my now 4-year-old was a newborn who nursed nonstop and who would only nap when he was snuggled to my chest. But if I had, I would have felt really, really seen.
"Feeling touched out is a normal phenomenon for parents of babies and toddlers," explains perinatal mental health expert Amanda Borson, LCSW. "It often coincides with breastfeeding in the baby stage, or if your baby naps on you during the day, or if your toddler is having separation anxiety and is clinging to you more than usual."
Feeling touched out can make you want to scream, cry or maybe just lock yourself in the bathroom for a while for some quiet. But there are healthier, more effective ways to cope.
What does feeling touched out mean?
Maybe the phrase "touched out" is new to you, like it was to me. But if the everyday demands of caring for your baby or toddler has you reeling over physical contact, you've experienced the sensation.
"When you find yourself having feelings of disgust, anger, resentment or discomfort with the amount of physical contact your kids or partner have with you, that's being touched out," Borson says.
For me, it often felt like my body just didn't belong to me anymore. After nursing and soothing Eli constantly while he was awake, having him draped over my chest while he napped made me feel like my body existed just for this tiny person. I wasn't alone, either.
At the time, most of the mom friends I was meeting, who also had newborns, talked about feeling the same way. And it's something most of us continued to experience through the toddler years. We just didn't have a name for it.
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Unlike anxiety or depression, being "touched out" isn't a diagnosable condition. Rather, it's a temporary state that many moms find themselves in when they become overwhelmed from physical contact, says perinatal psychologist Emily Guarnottae, PsyD.
But if you're finding yourself feeling touched out on a regular basis and are having trouble coping, that could snowball into another mental health problem, like anxiety.
Being touched out can cause a lot of mom guilt too. After all, you love your family more than anything. So seething over your baby wanting to nap on you, or your toddler wanting to sit on your lap at dinner, or your partner caressing your arm while you watch TV can leave you feeling shameful or embarrassed.
Symptoms of feeling touched out
You might be touched out if:
- You have a desire to avoid being touched by your kids or partner.
- Physical touch makes you feel angry, resentful or disgusted — like your skin is crawling.
- You have a lack of interest in sex.
- You're more easily irritated in situations where it's typically easy for you to stay cool or calm down.
For some moms, feeling touched out can overlap with overstimulation of your other senses.
"Moms will talk about scenarios like having a colicky baby who's crying while the TV is on in the background and their husband is yelling something to them from another room," explains Guarnotta. Even though the pressure isn't coming all from physical touch, altogether the total sensory overload gets to be too much.
How to talk to your partner about feeling touched out
Being touched out can feel intense and even rageful while it's happening. But once the moment passes, it's sometimes tough to talk about.
"People can feel ashamed to admit that they feel this way because it contrasts with how we imagine mothers should be — that mothers should be able to handle everything and be in control," Guarnotta says.
But opening up is worth it, experts say. Talking with your partner clues them in to how you're feeling so they can support you. Start by asking if you can take some time to check in on some parenting issues, Borton recommends.
From there, "Share exactly what you can observe and reflect from your own internal experience, like what you're feeling physically and emotionally, what you're thinking about when you feel touched out, what you're noticing around touch in your relationship with your partner, and what your fears are if feeling touched out continues," she suggests.
Try to avoid pointing out specific things that your partner may do that cause you to feel touched out, which can make them act defensively. If your partner has ended up getting the brunt of your touched-out feelings (like if you tend to snap at them because your toddler is climbing on you), own up to that too.
"It can soften things for your partner when you take some responsibility and show that it's something you want to work on," Guarnotta says.
Once your partner understands how you feel, there's a good chance they'll want to talk about ways to cope when you're getting touched out, or solutions that can reduce your chances for feeling that way in the first place.
What to do if you feel touched out
In an ideal world, you would welcome every bid for physical contact from your family with open arms. But in reality? There are times when you're going to feel tapped out. When that happens, try not to judge yourself.
"Recognize that your feelings are normal and that they won't last forever," Borton says.
It can help to have a go-to word or phrase that you can use with your partner when you're starting to feel overwhelmed, so you can let them know you need a break. Having them take over kid duties so you can be alone for a few minutes can help you feel more in control of your body, says Guarnotta.
If you're alone with your kids and aren't able to get away, grounding techniques like body scanning or deep breathing "can also help you tolerate the moments of touch without getting to that uncomfortable saturation point," Borton explains. Even a simple phrase that you can repeat to yourself, like "this will pass," can help you feel more grounded.
Think too about ways to prioritize your needs on a regular basis, so you're less prone to getting touched out.
"Some women need to go to the gym for 30 minutes every day. Some need to meditate every morning," Guarnotta says. "Whatever your self-care thing is, it's important to find ways to invest in that."
Because when you take steps to lower your overall stress level, you'll have more bandwidth to cope when things inevitably start to feel a little crazy.
Finally, remember that this stage of constantly being grabbed at and grappled for will eventually end. "Your children won't need to be in such close physical contact with you forever," Borton says.
And she's right. Today I'm usually the one to pull Eli in for a hug or kiss, and most of the time, he runs back off to play long before I want to let go.
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