In the past, you might have handed over your infant to just about anyone who wanted to hold her. But now your once social child has started taking a pass on pass-the-baby. What gives? Being anti-social with strangers may seem a little strange for someone who’s always gone willingly to the nearest lap, but stranger anxiety is perfectly normal behavior for babies and toddlers.
When your little one was younger, she was a lot less picky about who she hung out with. Now that she’s a tad older and wiser, she’s clued into the fact that her parents and caregivers are the most important people in her life. Everyone else — possibly even the grandparents she once adored — can take a back seat, preferably (from her perspective) as far away as possible.
Here’s what to know about stranger anxiety, including how long it lasts and how to help your baby or toddler through it.
What is stranger anxiety?
Stranger anxiety is a normal emotional phase that occurs when your child cries or becomes distressed when an unknown person approaches or attempts to hold her.
It’s similar to separation anxiety in the sense that, when your little one suddenly realizes she’s separated from her parents or a beloved caregiver, the same reactions — namely tears and fussing — crop up.
Stranger anxiety in babies
By the time they're 6 months old, babies begin to know whether someone is a stranger, and by 9 months, little ones may be afraid of strangers or clingy with caregivers. Stranger anxiety commonly starts around 8 or 9 months of age, though how long it lingers and how upset your baby gets can vary a great deal.
Babies get smarter by the minute, so at this stage, your little one has started to really understand object permanence and gotten wise to the fact that her trusted caregivers are very important people in her life.
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Her thought process probably goes something like this: "Hey, my parents are really good at taking care of everything I need, so I'd better stick close to them."
Stranger anxiety in toddlers
Stranger anxiety is not just reserved for babies. It’s also a phenomenon in which toddlers, often between the ages of 12 and 24 months, view anyone other than their parents as a threat or scary — even if that someone is their (formerly) favorite aunt or uncle.
Why does toddler stranger anxiety suddenly rear its head? Experts aren’t exactly sure. And, adding to the mystery, some kids are gripped by it, while others never experience it at all.
One thing we do know: Stranger anxiety is a normal part of development and a sign that your child has a healthy bond with you.
How long does stranger anxiety last in babies and toddlers?
Stranger anxiety will resolve on its own with time. In babies and toddlers, it may continue in some form until about 2 years of age, though some children outgrow it sooner.
How to help babies and toddlers deal with stranger anxiety
As with many stages of emotional development in children, a good dose of patience can go a long way. While you can’t fast forward through the stranger anxiety phase or wave a magic wand to get rid of it, you can try taking some of these approaches to ease this oh-so-fraught milestone:
- Wait it out. Yup, just sit tight and take it slow. With some young children, this phase will be over in a flash. With others, it may linger for months. But sooner or later, your child will realize that she doesn’t have to choose between you and others, and her suspicion of strangers will pass.
- Give your family a heads up. Let your close relatives know that your child has been experiencing some stranger anxiety, which will also help stave off any hurt feelings. Tell them it’s not personal — your little one is just going through an anxious phase and needs time to warm up.
- Offer some pointers. Coach family and friends on how to win your little one over. For example, instead of trying to pick her up right away, suggest they talk quietly. Or invite them to entice her with a toy while you hold her on your lap.
- Give some reassurance. If your child seems scared, upset or wary when other adults approach her, do your best to reassure her that everything is okay — even if you find it absurd that your tot is terrified of your super friendly sister.
- Stay within arm’s reach. When toddler stranger anxiety sets in, it’s key to make it clear to your child that she’s “safe” by holding her or staying close to her. And be sure to give her lots of love and affection as she gets acclimated or re-acclimated to the new (or familiar) face.
- Break it to the adults. Say your mother-in-law has made a huge effort to visit you regularly. You can hardly blame her for feeling rejected if your toddler suddenly flees the minute she appears. Even if she insists she knows about toddler stranger anxiety, go out of your way to reassure her with resources — like this one! — that explain this extra-clingy stage.
- Stick around before leaving. If you need to leave your apprehensive angel with Grandma or a babysitter, give your child a chance to get comfortable, which can help make the transition easier before you take off. Plan to have the caregiver arrive before you need to go so you all have time to hang out, play games and give the new person a chance to win over your little one.
- Play defense. Tell your child who's coming to visit before they arrive, so she isn't caught off guard. And explain to your guest, before they move in for a hug, that your tot is more comfortable with a gradual approach.
- Provide support (physical and emotional). If your child wants to be held, go ahead and hold her. Don't push her to meet and greet because you're worried about hurting the stranger's feelings. (An adult will understand more than your toddler will — and if the grown-up doesn't, tough.) Instead, be sensitive to your child's anxiety and avoid making a fuss over her fear.
- Don’t force it. Insisting your baby or toddler come face-to-face with her anxiety — and those strangers — will only feed it. It’ll be less stressful for everyone if you let your shrinking violet decide when and where to open up.
Hang in there! Once your reluctant baby or toddler realizes that unfamiliar people are simply future friends, she’ll overcome her shyness. In the meantime, stay close and provide support as she navigates her way through this (very normal) emotional phase.
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