In theory, spacing your children closer together has a lot of upsides: shared playtime, naptime, bathtime and more. And what's cuter than two back-to-back babies? Nothing — until your toddler is climbing up the walls while your newborn is screaming, and you're operating on three hours of broken sleep after tending to your infant all night.
That's been my reality the last six months since welcoming our newest bundle of joy while trying to keep business as usual for our 4-year-old.
Raising a baby and a toddler is really challenging at times. Of course, there are moments of happiness and serendipitous bliss, but there are also more than enough moments of fatigue and frustration. Here's how to cope when you're feeling tested by your twosome.
Why having a newborn and a toddler can be especially challenging
Parents with a toddler and a newborn can barely find time to remain sane on some days — let alone prioritize time for self-care. A few reasons it's challenging to care for a toddler and newborn include:
Finding a way to blend your newborn's chaotic schedule with your toddler's need for routine
Keeping your toddler quiet and busy during your newborn's naptime
Spending quality time with your toddler while keeping up with your baby's constant feedings
Remaining patient and playful for your toddler when you're sleep-deprived
Finding time to care for yourself and rest
How to make time for yourself when you have a newborn and a toddler
If this sounds like your life, take comfort that you're not alone. Many parents raising a toddler and a newborn have experienced the same challenges and do find balance (and sanity) along the way. Here are a few tips from mental health experts to help you balance your toddler and newborn's needs without losing your mind or yourself in the process.
Read This Next
Create a family schedule with minimal changes for your toddler
Although the first few weeks with a newborn can feel like a blur, try to develop a schedule for your children shortly after your youngest comes home. This will (slowly) get your toddler and newborn in sync and make things easier on you.
It's especially important to create a schedule that preserves as much of your toddler's routine as you can, advises Andrea Niles, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist specializing in maternal mental health.
"Keeping their daily life as predictable as possible in the time surrounding the new baby's arrival can help them feel a sense of safety during this huge shift," Dr. Niles says. It's also easier for your newborn to adapt to a variation of your existing schedule than for your toddler to switch an entirely new one.
Skip other significant changes for your toddler — like starting potty training or day care — for a while after your new baby arrives, she advises. (You'll be tired enough as it is!)
Coordinate naps as much as possible
Unless you've hit the jackpot, your toddler and newborn will likely have very different sleep schedules at first. However, it's important to get their nap times lined up as soon as you can. Syncing up your children's shuteye will give you more time to rest and maybe even take an uninterrupted shower in peace.
Your toddler's naps are likely more predictable, so you can try putting your infant down at the same time. Because your toddler will likely nap longer than your infant, you can also try putting your tot down first. It may take a few tries to figure out what's best for your two little ones — and that's okay.
Make quality time for your toddler
If your toddler is anything like ours, transitioning from being an only child to an older sibling was not exactly a Disney special. Although she has now fully embraced her role as big sister, there were times at first when she felt threatened by our newborn. So, my partner and I intentionally spent quality time with her — without our baby — when possible.
For example, my toddler and I walk the dog together every day. Although the walk lasts only 15 minutes, it is our guaranteed special time. This helps show her that she's just as important as she was before her little sister was born.
Prioritize self-care
Picture this: Your house is a mess, your toddler has spaghetti stuck in their hair and your newborn is tired of tummy time. Instinctually, you're tempted to bypass the walk you had planned so that you can tend to your messy house, spaghetti-sauced toddler and antsy newborn.
If at all possible, don't do it. Be intentional about scheduling time for self-care throughout the week, and stick to it, advises Jaclyn Satchel, LCSW-S, PMH-C, a licensed clinical social worker and specialist in perinatal mental health.
"Figure out one thing you need to do for yourself every day," Satchel recommends. "Tell at least three people for accountability, and do it." That could be your partner, a neighbor and a friend, and their support will help you commit
Dr. Niles agrees: "Finding a few minutes each day to get your own needs met will help you feel more emotionally stable and keep your mental health intact," she says.
Ask for and accept help
Asking for and accepting help is an act of self-care in and of itself. You cannot do it all, nor should you have to.
"If possible, ask family or friends for as much help as they are willing to give," Dr. Niles says. "If they can take your toddler for a few hours or even a special sleepover with lots of fun surprises and treats, that will allow you to get into the groove with the new baby. If that's not possible, they can support you by making food, cleaning or grocery shopping."
Find your village
Along with asking for help, find a support network of other moms or parents who might experience similar challenges, Satchel recommends.
"Find your village," she says. "I found mine online." Satchel's group first started on a message board for parents with kids the same age and then moved to a small Facebook group. Now they take family vacations and girls' trips together.
"To pop into a group chat and ask a question or just complain feels so good," she says. "It's the validation you never knew you needed."
Be patient with yourself, your newborn, your toddler and the process
Remember that it will take some time to adjust to life with your newborn and your toddler. Some tips and tricks that work for your friends may fail miserably for you. Or, some suggestions might work for your family, but you'll have to try them a few times to get them just right.
Either way, it is all a part of the process. Celebrate your wins, and learn from your bloopers. Above all, remember to be kind to yourself.
Having a toddler and a newborn can come with plenty of challenges, but the good news is that no matter how tired you might feel or how unorganized things may seem, this moment in life is only temporary. So, cherish it. Making the best of these years can help you grow as a parent and a person.
Yes 
No 
Trending On What to Expect
