Losing a baby because of a stillbirth is unimaginably heartbreaking, and the experience will stay with you for the rest of your life. After you've done the hard and devastating work of laboring and delivering, you may start to think about what happens next. How will your body be affected, and what will recovery be like? And more importantly, how can you ever begin to understand and accept your loss?
Unfortunately, not every question will have an immediate answer. But taking time to rest and process your grief, learning what to expect in the recovery process, and finding meaningful ways to honor your baby can help you heal from a stillbirth both physically and emotionally, and potentially help you prepare to try conceive again in the future.
What happens after a stillbirth?
The days and weeks following a stillbirth, which is the loss of a baby at 20 weeks of pregnancy or later, can feel like a nightmarish blur. While no two situations are exactly the same, you'll be in the very early stages of processing your loss while physically recovering from the immensely challenging experience of labor and delivery or a C-section.
At some point, you may also undergo medical tests, and an autopsy may be conducted on your baby to help determine the cause of the stillbirth.
You should see your practitioner for a follow-up visit a few weeks after delivery. During the appointment, your doctor will examine you to see how you're recovering physically. You can also expect to talk about any test and autopsy results. The visit is a chance to start the conversation about potentially trying to get pregnant again in the future too, but if you're not yet ready to go there, that's okay.
Your physical recovery after a stillbirth
Physically recovering from a stillbirth can be intensely challenging. You've still endured the grueling process of childbirth (via natural labor, induced labor or a C-section), and the type of physical healing you'll go through along with how long it will take depends on how that birth happened.
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But whether you gave birth vaginally or by C-section, your physical and emotional states will be at complete odds. And the feelings of shock, devastation and numbness can be so overwhelming that they may easily overshadow the fact that your body, too, needs to heal.
Vaginal birth recovery and perineal care after a stillbirth
After a vaginal delivery, it's normal to experience postpartum bleeding or lochia as your uterus sheds leftover blood, tissue and mucus. The bleeding will begin like a period and gradually taper off — a process that can take up to six weeks. Some heavy bleeding and small clots are normal, but you should let your provider know if you experience large clots (bigger than a grape) or are bleeding through more than one pad per hour.
Pain and swelling around your perineum — the tissue between your vulva and anus — is also common. This discomfort can persist for several weeks, depending on how long you pushed and whether you sustained any tearing. Icing the area every couple of hours for the first 24 hours after delivering can help minimize the soreness, as can regular sitz baths.
It's normal for torn skin to experience a stinging or burning sensation when you urinate too, though it will start to ease up as the tears heal. You can minimize the discomfort by using a peri bottle to spray the area with warm water before and after going to the bathroom.
C-section recovery after a stillbirth
Recovering from a C-section can take longer than recovering from a vaginal birth. You'll spend a few extra days in the hospital, and need more time to rest at home (around four to six weeks) before your body starts to recoup its strength.
In addition to facing many of the same symptoms that come with a vaginal delivery (including bleeding, perineal pain and cramping), you'll also be feeling pain (as well as itching, chafing or even occasional numbness) from your incision. Your provider may prescribe pain-relieving drugs to manage the discomfort.
Keeping your incision wound clean is important to reduce the risk of infection. You should let your health care provider know of any possible signs that the wound isn't healing properly, including redness, fever, oozing or pus.
The anesthesia you were given before the C-section can slow your digestion and create gassiness, and the increased bloating can put uncomfortable pressure on your incision. Avoiding gas-producing foods can help. Lying on your left side or back with your knees drawn up and taking deep breaths while holding your incision may also provide some relief.
Other symptoms you might experience
Whether you delivered vaginally or via C-section, it's normal to experience other postpartum symptoms as well. These may include:
Fatigue from labor and delivery
Abdominal cramping or afterpains, which occur as your uterus begins to contract back down to its pre-pregnancy size
Swelling in the legs, feet, ankles and face. These can be the result of postpartum hormonal shifts, receiving IV fluids at the hospital and other factors
Sweating, especially at night, as your hormone levels change and your body sheds extra fluids
Swollen or leaky breasts
Trouble urinating or feeling constipated
Hemorrhoids from straining while pushing
Body aches and pains, including back pain
As you focus on processing your emotions, you may not be paying much attention to your body while it recovers. Still, it's important to notify your practitioner if you're experiencing any signs of postpartum complications or infection.
Very heavy bleeding, a red or swollen leg that feels tender to the touch, a bad headache that doesn't improve with medicine, a fever of 100.4 degrees Fahrenheit or higher, or an incision that isn't healing all warrant a call to the doctor. If you experience chest pain, trouble breathing or seizures, call 911.
Lactation after a stillbirth
During pregnancy and after delivery, your body produces hormones that tell your breasts to start making colostrum and milk. In most cases, your provider can prescribe dopamine agonists to turn your body's milk production off and limit symptoms like engorgement or leaking milk as much as possible. (However, dopamine agonists can't be used in women with preeclampsia.)
If you choose to avoid medication to stop lactation, that's okay too. Your body will stop producing milk on its own, though it will take a little longer and may be more likely to cause leaking or engorgement. Applying cold compresses to your breasts can help ease the discomfort, as can taking over-the-counter pain relievers.
Your emotional recovery after a stillbirth
Your stillbirth is one of the most difficult, heartbreaking experiences you may ever go through.
It's normal to experience a wide range of emotions — you may ricochet from feeling shell-shocked or intensely sad to being filled with rage or feeling completely numb.
Recovering emotionally doesn't mean that you "move on" or go back to being the person you were before you became pregnant, of course. Rather, it's about acknowledging what has happened, processing your feelings around it, and over time, finding ways to accept your loss and create space for other emotions and experiences.
It may help to find and talk to a trained counselor or therapist who can help you manage and process your grief and other feelings.
Coping with your grief
Your sense of raw pain may be beyond overwhelming right now. There's no right or wrong way for you to make sense of your feelings and process your grief, and ultimately, you should do what feels right for you.
For many parents, holding their baby, naming the baby, collecting keepsakes like a lock of hair or a hospital blanket, and even taking a picture can feel therapeutic. In some cases, reviewing your baby's autopsy report (if and when you feel up to it) and bringing up questions with the doctor can help you make sense of what happened.
Once you're home, allow yourself as much time and space as you need to mourn and heal. If you were planning to take a maternity leave, use that time to rest, recover and process your thoughts.
You may regularly come up against painful reminders of your baby — from walking by the nursery you set up and dealing with breast discomfort to hearing another infant cry when you're standing in line at the grocery store. It's normal for these reminders to stay with you for a long time — and maybe even forever.
If you're having trouble managing the feelings that these situations trigger, talking with a grief counselor can help you find ways to cope.
Finally, don't discount the power of support. Meeting with other parents of stillborn babies in a support group may help you feel less alone. But if you're not ready to talk about your experience and loss right away, there's no rush.
Honoring your baby
Finding ways to honor and remember your baby can be painful, but doing so can also help you make sense of your grief and move towards a feeling of closure. Again, there's no right or wrong approach, and you should do what feels natural and comfortable for you.
You may decide to name your baby and say the baby's name out loud, which can help make her death feel more real to you. Taking a picture (or having someone else do it) and collecting keepsakes from the hospital may feel difficult in the moment, and you may not even want to look at them right away. But later on, you may want to revisit these mementos and even come to treasure them.
If you're moved to do so, you may decide to bathe or dress your baby, make footprints, or participate in a cultural or religious tradition, like having your baby blessed. If you choose to hold a funeral for your baby, try to be involved in planning the arrangements. It may be one of the most excruciating things you ever have to do, but over time, you'll come to take comfort in knowing that you were there for your child during these darkest of moments.
Signs of depression
Experiencing a stillbirth can put you at risk for developing postpartum depression. Though there's no "normal" way to feel after such an intense loss, you should let your doctor or midwife know if you're experiencing symptoms such as:
Feeling persistently sad or hopeless
Having trouble sleeping
Having trouble eating or eating more than usual
Losing interest in the things you normally enjoy
Feeling worthless
Having thoughts of harming yourself
Getting pregnant again after a stillbirth
Even once you decide that you're ready to try to get pregnant again, you may be worried or fearful about losing another baby. These kinds of feelings are normal, and they may be hard to shake completely. But the comforting truth is that the vast majority of women who experience a stillbirth go on to have healthy pregnancies and babies.
What's more, your health care provider will keep a watchful eye on you during a subsequent pregnancy to make sure things are progressing normally. You may receive more frequent tests to assess the baby's heart rate and movements, and will likely be asked to start counting kicks around 28 weeks.
That said, you may not conceive again right away, and in fact, it may be better to hold off for some time. Many practitioners recommend waiting six months to a year before trying to get pregnant again, both to give your body time to recover and to potentially help reduce feelings of anxiety and depression around your next pregnancy.
No matter how long you decide to wait, you should talk with your doctor before trying to get pregnant again. For the best chance at a healthy pregnancy, it's worth having a preconception checkup to address any underlying medical conditions and pinpoint a healthy pre-pregnancy weight. If needed, you should also make lifestyle changes like quitting smoking and drinking. In some cases, your doctor may also recommend having certain medical or genetic tests to learn more about your previous pregnancy loss.
Coping with something as devastating as a stillbirth can feel impossible. In time, though, you'll make sense of what happened and begin to feel that life has regained some semblance of normalcy. You'll never forget the baby you lost, of course. But rather than be overwhelmed by grief, you'll come to love and cherish her memory.
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