I've been a single mom for over a decade. When I got divorced, I was the mother of three children aged 5 and younger. My oldest, JoJo, has Down syndrome, which means she has had developmental delays, as well as a variety of health issues. To say I was overwhelmed would be an understatement.
I won't lie to you and say that the last ten years have been easy. To be a single mom is tough. It's like running on a treadmill when you have no energy left, but not knowing how to stop it or get off. If that sounds familiar, you're not alone, but you might be burned out. Here's what single moms can do to address burnout and get the support they need.
How does burnout affect single moms?
It isn't too surprising that single mothers are at higher risk of psychological stress than married mothers.
"Single moms face a range of challenges when it comes to burnout, including financial stress, emotional exhaustion, and the constant juggling of responsibilities related to work, parenting and household management," says Amira Martin, LCSW-R, a mental health therapist at Columbia University School of Social Work and a former single mom herself.
While she said it more eloquently than I could, I can tell you first hand what that's like. It’s a fatigue that sticks with you even after a full night of sleep.
"Single moms often feel overburdened and exhausted since they sometimes think they must be supermoms and do everything by themselves," says Michael Levitt, CEO of the Breakfast Leadership Network, an organization that focuses on burnout prevention.
What burnout challenges do single moms face?
The unique circumstances single moms face can contribute to burnout, says Annia Raja, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Los Angeles. They include:
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Role strain
"Single moms often need to fulfill the roles of both parents, which can lead to heightened stress and increased demands on their time and energy," Raja says. Pair parenting duties with all the household tasks — meal prepping, bill paying, budget balancing and dog walking, to name just a few — and the to-do list grows even longer.
"When I think about all the things single moms need to do every day, I feel physically and mentally drained," Levitt says.
Social isolation
When you're a single mom, there's no partner to vent to. You may feel uncomfortable communicating your feelings or talking to someone else. But you need that strong social support network, and if you don’t have it, you're at higher risk of burnout, Raja says.
Stigmatization
I'll never forget the moment when my third grader's teacher told me he hadn’t turned in a remote learning assignment for over three weeks. She was nice enough about it, but she also seemed incredulous that I hadn’t bothered to check he'd done his work. Mom guilt much?
A lot of this judgment is unconscious on the part of others, Raja says, meaning they aren’t even aware of it, but it can still have an impact. "These negative emotions can compound the stressors single moms already face, making burnout more likely," she adds.
Financial strain
Since single moms often provide the sole source of income for their families, we often work longer hours, hold multiple jobs or accept less-than-ideal working conditions, Raja says. The inaccessibility and expense of child care can often add fuel to the fire, since moms have to juggle work and child care responsibilities without a partner's support, adds Martin.
How single moms can address burnout
These challenges not only contribute to burnout, but they can also make it tough for single moms to tackle it. That said, there are steps you can take to find balance and feel better. Here's where to start:
Prioritize self-care
It’s easier said than done, but it is doable.
"There’s usually a window of time, either very early in the morning or after you put your kids to bed, where you can carve out some time, even just thirty minutes, for yourself," says Martin. "You can do whatever you want, but it’s time for you, and no one else."
When she was a single mom with little kids, she'd spend some at night taking a bubble bath, journaling or just meditating.
You can also space out micro-moments of self-care — "small, management moments throughout your day," says Raja — like enjoying a cup of tea or taking a 10-minute walk.
Establish routines and rituals
Besides setting aside some solo time, try to establish other routines, like a weekly family game night or a monthly mom’s night out.
"It provides a sense of stability and predictability in single moms’ lives, helping to reduce stress," says Raja.
My kids are older now, so every couple weeks I set up a "date night" with my two boys: my daughter spends time with her dad, and we go out to dinner together. They get special time with me, and I try new restaurants, something I don’t get to do very often!
Develop a clear co-parenting plan
If your child’s other parent is around, make sure you have a solid co-parenting plan. This way, you know that you have set nights off, which you can use to work, catch up on bills or just hang out and watch Netflix.
Consider alternative child care options
Nannies are expensive, as is day care. But you can explore less conventional child care options like nanny-sharing, babysitting co-ops, or child care swaps with other single moms, says Raja.
Build a support network
A support network can alleviate feelings of isolation and provide emotional support. It can include family members, friends and professional help, like a therapist.
For years, my support person was my mom. Although she lived about two hours away, we would talk every day while my kids ate dinner. After she passed away, my college roommates stepped up to fill the gap, and I now speak to at least one of them at least once a week.
What if you need more help?
In addition to friends and family, you may want to consider additional sources of support. If individual therapy exceeds your budget, consider group therapy or peer support. You can also turn to the following resources for single moms:
In addition, single mothers can take advantage of government programs, like Medicaid if you can’t afford health insurance for yourself or your kids. The Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) assists with food expenses, while the Women, Infants and Children (WIC) program provides nutrition education and support to pregnant and nursing moms.
"There’s absolutely no shame in turning to these programs if you need it," stresses Levitt. That’s the crux of it — sometimes you need to acknowledge that you need help, whether it’s financial, physical or emotional.
After a decade of single motherhood, I’ve thrived in ways I wouldn’t have dreamed possible ten years ago: I have a rewarding, financially stable career, my kids are thriving and even the dog has settled down. And each time I’ve hit rock bottom, there's been someone around to help give me a hand up. If that’s you, don’t worry. Trust me, we all will land on our own two feet.
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