Motherhood constantly reminds us that the days are long but the years are short. Before we know it our kids are flying by milestones and graduating from high school. The years truly do fly by. But for whatever reason when acknowledging the saying, everyone seems to ignore the first part of the sentence: The days are long. THE DAYS ARE LONG. And as a mom of three kids who are under 9 years old, those long days can feel like an eternity. But when they do finally come to an end and my last child is tucked into bed, my free time is only just beginning.
I never related to someone more than TikTok creator Lindsey Gurk when I watched a video of her singing about staying up late even though she’ll regret it in the morning. To the tune of Alanis Morrisette’s “Hand in My Pocket,” Gurk belts out, “I’m tired, but I stay up late almost every night. But I need some alone time, baby!” I learned through the comments that this practice of staying up way too late in an attempt to get some leisure time is called revenge bedtime procrastination. And it’s something that I unknowingly do most nights.
@lindseygurk Night Me is in control and has ZERO regard for Morning Me. (Parody of “Hand in My Pocket” by Alanis Morissette)
? original sound - Lindsey Gurk
I am the mom who waits until the end of the night to get my me-time in at least six out of seven days of the week. It doesn’t matter what time my children go to bed (because my toddler will wait until her eyelids just about cave in), I hang on by a thread and stay awake a bit longer just so I can have somewhat of a moment of silence. I tell myself I deserve this because I have given myself to them all day. But the next morning, I have regrets. Experts explain bedtime procrastination’s impact on our health and how we can enjoy more sleep by incorporating restorative leisure time in other parts of our day.
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What is revenge bedtime procrastination?
Revenge bedtime procrastination is the decision to sacrifice time asleep for leisure time and it’s a common technique for people who are overscheduled and lack free time. That sounds spot on for parents.
“Most parents of young children (whether they work inside or outside of the home) are overstimulated,” says Ariel Kornblum, Psy.D., BCBA, LBA, senior director of clinical operations at Manhattan Psychology Group. “There never seems to be enough hours in the day, and the first thing that gets sacrificed is self-care.”
In order to get that time for self-care, we try to make our days longer.
“The time after your child or children go to bed is sometimes the only time parents have control over what they do and how they do it,” adds Dr. Kornblum. “This means despite how long and exhausting the day is, and despite intentions to go to sleep early, many parents experience revenge bedtime procrastination. Each day parents may set intentions to get to sleep earlier, procrastinate and continue the cycle over and over again.”
How revenge bedtime procrastination impacts our health
Admittedly, my revenge bedtime procrastination comes at a cost. I struggle to stay awake for that solo time since I am worn out from the day. I fall asleep on my TV shows, rarely complete my skincare routine and I am much grumpier the following morning.
“While it may seem like a harmless habit, consistently delaying sleep can have negative consequences on a mom’s overall health, well-being and productivity,” says Kelly Murray, certified pediatric and adult sleep consultant. “First and foremost, sleep deprivation can lead to physical and mental exhaustion. Moms have countless responsibilities and demands. By consistently putting off bedtime, they deprive themselves of the restorative sleep their body needs to recharge.”
Most adults need seven to nine hours of sleep per night, explains Murray, and if their sleep schedule is constantly disrupted it can result in feelings of fatigue, decreased energy levels, and difficulties in concentration and focus. Being sleep-deprived can also impact your patience.
“When we don’t get enough sleep, our bodies go into a fight-or-flight state,” Murray says. “When in this state, the portion of our brains, the amygdala, becomes hyper-vigilant as a protection mechanism. As a result, any little stressor is perceived as a big deal leaving us with little patience and susceptible to mental health conditions like depression and anxiety.”
Sleep is the building block upon which all mood is created, adds Sipra Laddha, M.D., a psychiatrist who specializes in maternal mental health. "If we aren’t getting consistent sleep as parents, we feel more anxious and depressed during the day, which then also causes us to procrastinate, have low motivation, high irritation and crave more revenge bedtime procrastination. It can become a vicious cycle."
How to stop revenge bedtime procrastination
I’ve been looking into ways to get that time for myself in during the day and wind down at night so that I don’t feel like I’m cheating myself out of the time I need.
“I always encourage parents to invest time in planning,” says Dr. Kornblum. “Sitting down weekly and identifying what can be done more efficiently, or planned ahead of time can have an enormous impact on making the rest of the week easier. This may mean making some decisions that allow parents to prioritize themselves and their relationships.”
She adds that it could take two weeks for you to establish a habit and see progress. “After two weeks evaluate how you feel, how much sleep you are getting, and how your energy levels are,” she adds.
Here’s what I find helps me decompress throughout the day:
Go for a walk
Walking alone gives me a much-needed break from all the noise. It’s the perfect opportunity to reset, call a friend or eat a snack uninterrupted.
Read a book
Reading doesn’t have to wait until the end of the day. Taking some of the time I use to scroll social media to read instead works for me. And you can squeeze in time to read while the kids are eating breakfast/lunch, taking a nap or playing.
Watch a new show
But in moderation. I know I cannot binge an entire new series after bedtime because I’ll be woken up early. So I set a limit for myself. I don’t feel bad after watching an episode or two.
Schedule quiet time during the day
And this can apply to everyone. My oldest son is 8 so he doesn’t take a daily nap. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t need downtime during the day. So everyone gets scheduled quiet time. They can use that time to take a nap, quietly read or do a quiet screen-free activity.
Meditate, do yoga or stretch
Doing these at night especially not only gives you time to yourself but helps with winding down. Any or all of these three can help relax your mind and body while also preparing to get a good night's sleep.
Write in a journal
Moms often have a lot on their minds every day as they carry a lot of their family’s mental load.
“If they find their brain spinning with to-do lists when they should be sleeping, I recommend reserving about 10 minutes each evening to write a list of to-dos and journal about any worries they may have,” Murray says. “That way, they give their minds time to process so that they don't want to do so at night when there are no distractions.”
Set a timer and create a bedtime routine for yourself
“It is crucial that parents stop working two hours before bedtime to give their brains and bodies enough time to prepare for sleep,” suggests Murray. That winddown process can be something as simple as doing your skincare routine and having some tea and a snack before bed. Setting a timer holds you accountable and reminds you not to stay up all night.
Whichever way you choose to unwind after bedtime we can all agree, we serve our families enough during the day and deserve the time to ourselves at night.
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