How to Adopt a Child

Adopting a child is a bold and wonderful move that will forever change one lucky little one’s life, as well as your own. Before you take this huge step, you should do some serious soul searching and plenty of homework. You’ll need to ask yourselves some tough questions, and be honest with yourself — even if the answers aren't what you expected. 

And once you’re set on opening your arms and your home to an adopted child, your next move is to educate yourself on how the adoption process works. Here’s what to expect every step of the way.

Step 1: Decide whether adoption is right for your family

Adoption means taking on the lifelong responsibility and challenges of caring for a child — with the added legal, logistical and financial hurdles that come along with the adoption process. If you're considering it, here are some questions you need to ask yourself before you start your journey to parenthood.

Can you handle the emotional complications that come with adopting a child?

Sure, you love kids and you may have wanted one for a long time. But are you prepared to open you hearts and home to a child who may look very different from you and your family? How would you feel about not knowing much about your baby’s birth family — including their health and genetic history — if you go the closed adoption route? 

There may be tough days ahead, so consider now whether you’re able and willing to be in this for the long haul.

Can you afford to adopt?

All babies take a big bite out of the family budget, regardless of whether they’re biologically yours or adopted. But there are hefty fees associated with the adoption process that you should learn about before you jump in (more on that below). 

Consult an adoption agency or an experienced adoption lawyer to get the real numbers. And, if you’re considering adopting a special-needs child, know that the costs of his care may be lifelong and could increase as he gets older.

Are you willing to deal with your child’s questions about his birth parents?

Even if you opt for a closed adoption or adopt internationally, eventually your child may want to know about his biological parents and extended family. He might even ask you to help him find them. While you can’t know how you’ll react until that day actually comes, it is something to consider as you’re thinking about adoption now.

Are you flexible about where your baby comes from or how long you’re willing to wait for a baby?

International adoption has become much harder and rarer recently, with countries like Russia, Guatemala and Ethiopia shutting down their programs due to tensions with the U.S. government. 

In terms of domestic adoption, wait times vary. Many birth mothers choose younger parents when considering where to place their babies, so it can take longer for an older couple to adopt. Again, do your homework: Attend workshops and webinars, consider speaking to an adoption therapist, or join an adoption support group to help you decide what makes the most sense for your family.

Would you consider a special-needs or older child?

If you want to adopt right away, think about adopting a special-needs child or an older one. But parents-to-be really need to be honest about what they can handle, physically, emotionally and financially, as mentioned above. 

A baby with a heart condition may be more than you can cope with or afford, but you might be able to offer a caring home for a deaf child, or one who uses a wheelchair. Adopting a 5-year-old may be appealing to some parents who’d just as soon skip the diaper days, while others will only consider an infant.

There are no right or wrong answers to these questions. What matters most is answering honestly once you've gotten enough information to know what to expect. So do your research and think about your hopes and dreams. Then you’ll be ready to start the journey to find a child who’ll fill your heart with love.

Step 2: Find the right agency

Now that you've made the decision to adopt, there’s a lot to learn about the adoption process that will make the experience go as smoothly as possible.

Unless you opt for a private adoption, you’ll work closely with an adoption agency for many months, so it’s important to find a good fit. Research various agencies before picking one. Inquire about the types of adoptions they handle, as agencies tend to specialize in either domestic or international adoptions. 

Attend informational sessions and ask plenty of questions, like these: 

• What support services does the agency offer? 
• How will they prepare you for adopting a child of another race? 
• How does the agency decide whether prospective parents could handle a special-needs child?

Ask to speak with parents who have already used the agency to hear how the adoption process went for them. If these folks tell you they wouldn't use the agency again, that’s a big red flag.

Step 3: Prepare for the costs

There’s no fixed cost to adopting a baby — the range of fees is wide open. For a domestic adoption, the cost typically ranges from $20,000 to $40,000, and sometimes even higher. 

For international adoption, the cost depends upon which country your child comes from and it can range from $20,000 to $50,000. Then there’s U.S. fees (home study costs of about $2,900, application and processing fees of at least $4,500 and fees when you get back to the U.S.).

Step 4: Get ready for your home study

Before you adopt you’ll need to complete a home study, which includes a summary of your family situation, health and financial assets. Your agency should guide you through it. 

After you've gathered all the necessary paperwork, from birth certificates to tax records, a social worker will come to your home to interview you and other family members. He or she will ask questions about how you plan to fit a child into your life, your parenting style and philosophy, and how you feel about the adoption.

It’s tough feeling as though your family is under a microscope — especially when parents of biological children don’t have to jump through the same hoops. But keep in mind that it’s very rare for prospective parents to get a negative recommendation. 

Be honest with your social worker and agency: If you’re worried that something might hurt your chances to adopt, like a financial or medical issue or even a prior criminal record (that DUI you got in college), come clean now.

Step 4: Be prepared to wait

Typically, a domestic adoption can be completed in two years, while an international one can take up to five years or longer. Why the long wait? For domestic adoptions, your family must be vetted by the state agency where the baby was born and by the agency where you live. 

International agencies must go through all your paperwork, and some countries do this more quickly than others. If you’re willing to adopt a special-needs child or an older child, chances are excellent that your adoption will be completed more quickly.

Step 5: Welcome your adopted child home

After all those piles of paperwork and months of waiting, at last you’re home with your precious child in your arms. Plenty of first-time adoptive parents experience a big dose of nervousness at this point, even if they have other children at home. But there are ways to help make the transition go as smoothly as possible:

Go with the flow 

Take it for granted that your adopted baby or toddler is going to be out of sorts at first. After all, he’s used to one routine and set of faces and now he’s been plunged into a houseful of new sights, sounds and smells.

Don’t be surprised if he has trouble sleeping and doesn't eat very much. Give him some time to adjust. If he continues to be a picky eater, mention it to the pediatrician — but most likely your little guy’s just behaving like a typical toddler.

Call in reinforcements 

Every new parent needs a helping hand (or four), and you’re no different. Your first priority is to take care of your new child and yourself, so don’t be shy about asking for assistance from friends and family, or saying yes when it’s offered. 

Let a willing pal — or a paid caregiver — take care of some household chores, meal time prep or dropping off your older children at school so you can use that time to bond with your adopted child and settle him into your household.

Kiss away the tears

All babies cry — and adopted babies (or kids) are no different. Try to spend as much time with your sweetie as possible, and keep those snuggles and kisses coming (even if he’s wary of them at first). You want him to feel certain that you’re there whenever he needs you. 

And remember, you can’t spoil a baby by holding him too much. If he’s still really little, carry him in a front carrier so he can listen to your heart beat. If you've got a toddler, cuddle up and read books that will help him label the emotions he’s likely feeling — mad, sad and happy.

Stick to a routine

Nothing comforts a child more than knowing what to expect. And being able to count on something is doubly soothing for an adopted child who’s making the transition from his old life to his new one. So set up a schedule, with predictable times for eating, snoozing, playing and snuggling.

Keep tabs on your mood 

Lots of new adoptive parents feel a little blue since they’re making a big transition, too. But if you can’t shake your sadness, or you seem extra tired or irritable or feel hopeless, seek help from your doctor — you could have post-adoption depression (PAD). Look into joining an adoptive parent support group even if your moods aren't going haywire. Spending time talking with other moms and dads who have children around the age of your new little one can help you feel less alone.