My battle with anorexia started at 17 and continued for much of my 20s. I didn’t have a period naturally for almost five years. So when my husband and I discovered I was pregnant at 28 years old — just a few weeks after our wedding — we were shocked. I had told myself it could take years to conceive, or might not even be possible given my health history.
This positive pregnancy test was the best gift. Our little one was a miracle, and we couldn’t wait to welcome him into the world.
My eating disorder began during my final months of high school. After a few weeks of college, I withdrew and entered an inpatient treatment program. For a perfectionist like me, this was unfathomable. I felt so lost. I didn’t realize that 28.8 million Americans will have an eating disorder in their lifetimes.
The inpatient program helped me get my life back on track, and I returned to school a month later. I ended up graduating college with honors and landed my dream job in New York City. I convinced myself (and everyone around me) that I was perfectly healthy. But I was still restricting foods that I deemed “unhealthy,” and I constantly felt like I had to exercise to allow myself to eat what I wanted.
In reality, I still needed years of therapy, doctor’s visits and dietitian appointments. But my pregnancy and postpartum experience helped me find healing, too.
Listening to my body
My husband and I got married in June 2018. I went off my birth control pills after our honeymoon. Much to our surprise, my period never returned, and instead I got pregnant!
At first, I felt nervous — I didn’t expect to have a baby 10 months after our wedding. But I was so in awe of my body and grateful that I could conceive, considering the link between eating disorders and infertility.
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When I was 6 weeks pregnant, morning sickness hit. I was nauseated most days; potato chips and crackers were my constant companions. I couldn’t stomach vegetables, and that continued for most of my pregnancy. With these new food aversions and preferences, I was forced to listen to my body. For the first time in many years, I was eating intuitively and honoring my hunger.
To my surprise, I didn't struggle to gain weight — I knew I was supporting a healthy baby and could visibly see my bump growing. I loved wearing maternity clothes. I fully embraced my body.
Navigating the postpartum period
As someone in anorexia recovery, the physical changes I experienced after giving birth were particularly difficult to navigate. Mentally, emotionally and physically, this was the biggest, most difficult transition of my life.
My son arrived in April 2019 after 16 hours of labor. I’d never felt stronger or more in love. I had an immediate, intense need to care for and protect my little one. It was like the world had stopped, and it was just me, my husband and our baby.
Leaving the hospital was a little less blissful. For the first few weeks at home, I was terrified my son would stop breathing during the night. I constantly watched him in the bassinet and contemplated an expensive baby monitor to track his oxygen levels. I spent way too much time Googling rather than trusting my intuition or calling the pediatrician. My husband was working long hours on the night shift during this time. Home alone, I started to feel overwhelmed.
While I was never officially diagnosed, I now wonder if I was experiencing some form of postpartum anxiety. Racing thoughts, excessive worry, overwhelming stress about being a good parent and difficulty sleeping all described my fourth trimester. Help from nearby family, as well as frequent calls with my mom, sister and friends helped me through. When my son was a few months old, I was able to join a Bible study and new mothers' group, both of which helped me adjust to being a new full-time mom.
I expected to still look pregnant after giving birth. I stopped reading celebrity and health magazines because I didn’t want to see stories about women looking “better than ever” post-baby. I knew that every woman is different, and I needed to respect this new body I was in.
Because I was breastfeeding, I was ravenous. That hunger helped me focus on my body’s needs instead of weight loss. At the same time, my boobs were about two sizes bigger than they were pre-pregnancy. Even with nursing pads, I often leaked through my shirts. (I’ll never forget that Target run where I finally got out of the house with my newborn — only to discover I had two large wet circles on my shirt as I strolled the cereal aisle!) I also developed cystic acne on my forehead and chin, which made me feel self-conscious and constantly want to wear makeup.
As they had when I was pregnant, people were quick to comment on my postpartum body. They were well-meaning, but even compliments like, “You look great!” or “I hope I look like you after I give birth,” made me focus more on my figure. I’d think about what I had eaten that day and feel pressure to keep looking a certain way or lose more weight.
Learning to give myself grace
Slowly, I navigated the postpartum period and managed to find true recovery along the way.
I made a conscious effort to avoid thinking about weight: We didn't keep a scale in our house, and I turned my head during weigh-ins at the doctor’s office. I wanted to eat whatever my body was telling me to without worrying about my dress size or the extra flesh coming over my waistband.
After being cleared to exercise, I started going on walks and practicing gentle yoga. I didn’t have much time, energy or child care to do more than that. Still, I often battled thoughts about whether I could be healthy without exercising.
I also needed accountability from my husband, family and friends, plus regular meetings with my dietitian. Reading some of my favorite blogs from eating disorder dietitians and moms helped, too.
Whether it came to my body or my emotions, I learned to give myself grace. The postpartum period is a time of change in every way, a time when we’re gifted an incredible new human to care for and love. It’s the most exhausting yet rewarding season I’ve been through.
Now pregnant with my second child, I’ve learned so much since my first postpartum experience. It helped me reach a new level of recovery and leave my eating disorder in the past. More than ever, I appreciate my body — it brought life into the world! That never ceases to amaze me.
Despite all the ups and downs, I’m excited to tackle this transition again. By sharing my story, I’ve met other women who have struggled with mental health challenges during the postpartum period. Thankfully, there’s so much help to be found! And I really believe that with the right resources, this change can help shape us into even stronger, healthier women. Women raising up the next generation and taking on the most important job in the world: mom.
If you or someone you know is suffering from PPA or PPD, remember that you’re not alone and help is available. Check out these resources for more support and information:
- Office on Women's Health (800-994-9662)
- National Library of Medicine, Medline Plus
- Postpartum Support International (800-944-4PPD)
- National Alliance on Mental Illness (800-950-NAMI)
- What to Expect's Postpartum Depression Group
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