By Steven D'Achille, as told to Amelia Harnish
My 9-year-old daughter, Adriana, loves to wear her mother’s old green cardigan to school. It’s something my wife, Alexis, would wear only around the house — but Adriana thinks it’s the coolest thing in the world. I guess it helps her feel close to her mom.
This October will mark 10 years since Alexis lost her life to postpartum depression. We talk about Alexis like she’s still here. We send a balloon up to heaven every Mother’s Day. But as much as we try, there’s no replacing what we’ve lost. So this year, like every year, I’m telling my story so that no father — no family — has to experience such a devastating and senseless loss.
I met Alexis through mutual friends, for the first time when I was 21 at the Jersey Shore and then reconnected four years later on a getaway to Miami. We spent an entire night on the hotel balcony talking until the sun came up — it was like no one else was there.
After we got married in October of 2009, our lives looked totally different. We got a dog, and we found ourselves more interested in sitting on the couch together in our sweats than going out on the weekends. I remember her joking, "Are we dorks now? We never go out!" Starting our family was the obvious next step.&
By November of 2012, Alexis was pregnant. We were overjoyed. We both come from large Italian families, and our baby news was reason for non-stop celebration. We were blessed with not one, not two, but three baby showers! Pregnancy was absolutely seamless. She was glowing. She was happy.
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Everything changed during delivery. That day, we were not the priority on the maternity ward. Alexis was young and healthy. The others in labor that day were a woman with a high-risk pregnancy and another delivering multiples.
"I need to push!" Alexis yelled. But the doctor didn’t believe her and left the room.
Twelve minutes later, Adriana was born — with the cord wrapped around her neck. She wasn’t breathing, what’s known as a "code blue" delivery. People rushed to our side, including the doctor who disbelieved Alexis.
While the hospital workers thankfully resuscitated Adriana, the chaos was traumatic for Alexis. She felt like her first act of motherhood was harming her baby, like she did something wrong.
We both knew something was off immediately. From that day, there was nothing behind her eyes. It was a blank stare. During our hospital stay she became super indecisive. We changed the baby’s name twice. Every decision became a huge one that she couldn’t think through.
When we got home, things got worse. Alexis looked at everything Adriana did — the way she held her thumb or the way she turned her head — and thought something was wrong. Worse, she felt it was all her fault.
What started as post-traumatic stress from the delivery quickly turned into a deep depression. She wouldn’t eat. She became anxious. She couldn’t remember simple things from before, like houses she’d sold in her job as a realtor.
She’d say, "Oh my God! I’m not going to be able to go back to work. You’re going to have to take care of me. You’ll get sick of me and leave." She grew more detached every day not just from our baby, but from me, from our dog, from everything.
Alexis was brutally honest with the doctors about how she felt. She wanted to get well. We went to seven different hospitals and crisis centers in her last 13 days. No one seemed to believe her when she told them how bad it was.
My mission is to change things going forward by telling Alexis's story, so that no one will ever suffer the way she did.
The sad truth is, her story is not an anomaly. The United States has the highest maternal mortality rate of any developed country in the world.[1] Suicide deaths for pregnant and postpartum women outnumber those from obstetric causes, one study of the National Violent Death Reporting System data found.[2] Adequate mental health support can make all the difference.
Today, there is a growing awareness of postpartum depression and psychosis. But we still have a lot of work to do. We need to end the silos in healthcare between obstetrics and psychiatry that create a gap for mothers struggling with maternal mental health issues. We need to end the stigma.
The reality is, PPD can happen to anyone, and it’s no one’s fault. It takes extreme courage to admit you’re having a hard time, especially when there is a baby involved. We have to question why it’s so tough.
Before this happened to my family, I had heard the term "baby blues" but I never gave it much thought. As Alexis started unraveling, I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t know postpartum depression was as complex or as common as it is. What I want everyone to know is this: If the baby blues last more than two weeks, it’s time to get help.
Fathers have a special role to play in supporting mothers and ultimately, preventing tragedies. Pregnancy is 40 weeks long. Outside of the occasional sonogram, dads aren’t often involved in mom’s healthcare until the day of delivery. We need to be more involved throughout, going to more appointments and being very frank with doctors about mental health.
If your partner is pregnant, ask the doctor about mental health services. What help is available and how can you access it should you need it? Being prepared to step in and advocate for your partner is one of the most important things you can do to prepare for becoming a father.
In the end, the most important thing to know about what happened to my family is that we can’t go back. All we can do is change what happens next. I want Adriana to know that even though Mom’s not here, we can always change things going forward. By telling Alexis's story, we can save lives.
Get help for postpartum depression
If you or a partner are struggling in the postpartum period, don’t be afraid to speak up. Talk therapy and medications can treat postpartum mental health conditions like depression and anxiety. Reach out to your doctor, who can refer you to appropriate care. You can also:
Call or text 988
This will connect you to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline if you are in crisis.
Dial 1-833-Help4moms
The National Maternal Mental Health Hotline can help connect you with mental health support in your area. The line is manned 24/7, so you can call at any time to get help.
Connect with Postpartum Support International (PSI)
It takes a village to raise a child. PSI hosts online support groups for new moms and provides resources for mental health support.
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