How to Tell a Partner About a Pregnancy

True story: An earthquake hit while I waited on the results of my at-home pregnancy test. It was mild and nobody was hurt, but it seemed like the most perfect act of symbolism imaginable. 

My husband came home from work within minutes of the test and the quake, and shocked by both, I immediately ran downstairs to tell him that we were going to have a baby. I just couldn't imagine holding onto the news for another minute, especially given how I'd found out.

The I-need-to-tell-you-ASAP approach isn't right for everyone though. It's also completely normal to put a lot of thought into searching for the right words, or to just need some time to let things sink in before sharing. (After all, it's kind of a big deal.) 

The details surrounding your pregnancy can factor in too. Our baby was planned for, and we were lucky enough to conceive in just a few months, so the general vibe was straight-up excitement. But if your news was unexpected or is coming after a pregnancy loss or fertility struggles, you'll both likely have some mixed emotions to contend with.

Ultimately, how you announce your pregnancy to your partner comes down to doing what feels comfortable for both of you. But if you're looking for some guidance on how to get started, here's some expert advice that can help.

How to tell a partner about an unexpected pregnancy

Surprise pregnancies are far from uncommon: Nearly half of babies are unplanned, according to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG). Trusted SourceAmerican College of Obstetricians and GynecologistsInterpregnancy CareSee All Sources ^[1] Figuring out how to share such huge news when you didn't see it coming can be tricky. Even in the scenario where you and your partner are both thrilled, there's a lot of change on the horizon that you're totally unprepared for.

But more likely, there are just a lot of question marks. On top of maybe not being sure how you feel, you might not know how your partner will react either. The swirl of emotions (confusion, fear, anxiety, maybe some nervous excitement, or even embarrassment) can feel overwhelming to the point where you either have no idea how to express them or feel a desire to blurt everything out ASAP, says Allie Kidd, LISW-S, LCSW, a therapist who specializes in working with anxious moms in New York and Ohio. 

Before panicking or making a move, Kidd recommends taking some time to think through how you really feel about different aspects of the pregnancy, which can help you plan out how you'll approach the subject with your partner. 

Once you've gotten some clarity on your feelings and preferences, bring your partner in. You could open the conversation by saying something like: "I have to talk to you about something that makes me feel very [however you're feeling]. I recently found out that I'm pregnant, and I'd like to talk with you about what this means for me, for you and for us," suggests Kidd. 

How to tell a partner about a planned pregnancy

If you and your partner have been trying for a baby, a positive pregnancy test can feel like you've hit the jackpot. It's also totally normal to feel nervous, anxious or pretty overwhelmed too. (As you'll soon find out, momming is never one note!) 

"In many cases, there is also disbelief, growing excitement, hope and gratitude," says Shemiah Derrick, LCPC, a relationship therapist in Chicago, Illinois, and Milwaukee, Wisconsin.  

Clearly there's no right or wrong way to break the big news that you and your partner are about to become parents, nor is there an ideal time. That said, most experts recommend picking a quiet moment with plenty of time and privacy. 

"You may both be having some big feelings after you share the news — even pleasant feelings, when intense, can be overwhelming!" Kidd says. "So be mindful of what's on your agenda after the chat." 

Talking at the start of a chill night at home, for instance, might be better than sharing the news before you leave for work or head to a hangout with friends or family.

When you're ready to spill, Derrick recommends being upbeat while showing acknowledgment that you and your partner have achieved one of your biggest goals — together! You could say something like: 

"I want you to know how much I appreciate you and your partnership with me. We had a vision for our future and our family. I found out I'm pregnant, and now that dream is being realized," she says. 

Feel like you need a more lighthearted take? That's okay too. (There are countless creative ways to share your pregnancy news, after all!) 

"Honor the relationship you have," suggests Kidd. "If you and your partner love making jokes and value humor as a form of connection, find a way to honor that in how you share." 

And if you can't imagine anything other than a straightforward, right-now approach (like me!), ignore any pressure to turn your announcement into a bigger thing than you feel like it needs to be. 

"If you both value honesty above all else, then send that positive result pic in a text," Kidd says. 

How to tell a partner about a pregnancy after infertility or a loss

A pregnancy after struggling with infertility or a pregnancy loss can feel bittersweet. Yes, you're thrilled because you've wanted this for so long. On the other hand, you might immediately be flooded with grief or sadness about prior losses or fertility treatments, Kidd points out. 

It's also totally normal to have anxiety over whether this pregnancy will make it to term, and even feel guilty that you've been able to achieve something that others who are experiencing similar struggles are still waiting for.

In short, it's a lot to deal with. And there's a good chance that your partner may have similarly mixed emotions when they find out that the rainbow baby you've long hoped for is finally on the way. 

Not only is it okay to acknowledge the long road you've taken to reach this place, it creates space for the two of you to feel both the positive and negative emotions that are happening right now, Derrick says. 

You could start off the conversation by saying something like: "Getting pregnant hasn't been easy, but our hard work has paid off. I'm pregnant! I'm so grateful for you. I'm also feeling [however you're feeling]," Derrick suggests. Once you've taken some time to talk through your own feelings, ask your partner, "What are your thoughts? How are you feeling?"

Being open about your joys and fears, and hearing about your partner's feelings, gives you both opportunities to voice your concerns while acknowledging that this is ultimately a great and exciting thing. 

"By giving words to the mixture of feelings swirling inside you, you're honoring your experience," Kidd says. 

Telling your partner that the two of you are about to become parents can feel like a big moment. But ultimately, how you choose to share the news comes down to what feels most natural for you. Even if that means running down the stairs and blurting out the news after an earthquake.