It's easy to feel rage or despair towards your partner when you're burned out on parenting — and they have no clue. But actually sharing what's going on inside your head in a constructive way? Sometimes, it can be surprisingly difficult.
"There's so much pressure on mothers to just be able to figure it out themselves," says Molly Vasa Bertolucci, LCSW, owner of Poppy Therapy in Los Alamitos, California. "Feeling like motherhood is a lot of work, or like you're struggling when everyone else seems like they're doing fine, it can lead to feelings of shame. It's hard to ask for help."
But letting your partner know that you're burned out — and getting some assistance — is the first step towards feeling better, experts say. Here's how you can get the conversation started and work towards lightening your load.
Why should you tell someone you're experiencing burnout?
Feeling burned out means that you're doing too much — way too much. And in order to cope, you need some support.
Ideally, that means working with your partner to figure out how to take some duties off of your plate. If that's not feasible (maybe your partner isn't able to help more and you don't have other caregivers you can rely on), you can at least talk about other ways to prioritize self-care (like scheduling virtual therapy sessions during naptime or after bedtime).
"Sometimes there's this assumption that if my partner loves and cares about me, they must know how I feel already — they must be able to see how much I'm struggling because it's obvious," says Kara Weiland, LCSW, PMH-C, owner of Yellow Bird Counseling and Wellness in Richmond, Virginia. "But often, that's not the case."
Read This Next
Keeping burnout to yourself can send you further spiraling into exhaustion. You might also struggle with feelings of mom guilt if you're feeling the need to distance yourself from your kids or fantasizing about escaping from your responsibilities (which are normal things to think about when you're burnt out on momming, by the way).[1]
As with most intensely stressful situations, letting your burnout fester can lead to physical effects, like headaches or trouble sleeping, Bertolucci says. Some research even suggests that parental burnout can lower the body's ability to fight off germs, making you more prone to catching your kids' never-ending stream of colds.[2]
Perhaps unsurprisingly, this can end up having a negative effect on your relationship.
"If you're not addressing it, the assumption by your partner is that everything is okay," Weiland says. "That causes resentment on the mother's end, and it allows the imbalance to continue."
How to tell a partner, family member or friend you're experiencing burnout
When you share your burnout experience with your partner or someone else you trust, you're "inviting them in, so you can get on the same page and be a team," Bertolucci says.
That's not to say starting the conversation is easy, especially when you're already run ragged from your caregiving responsibilities and all you want to do when you have a spare moment of quiet is nothing.
Still, that point in the day where you and your partner both have some downtime (usually after everyone else is in bed) is the best time to talk, since you're more likely to communicate without interruption. "If the baby is crying, the dog is barking, and you’re both hungry and trying to figure out what to eat for your next meal, it may not be the best moment to bring it up," says Marisa J. Perera, Ph.D., owner of Natal Counseling in Miami.
If launching straight into an intense conversation about your feelings seems awkward, you can give your partner a heads up earlier in the day. "Let them know something is on your mind, and ask them if you can schedule a time to talk about it," Dr. Perera suggests.
Another option: Start with something a little lighter that will help the two of you feel connected and ease your way in, Bertolucci recommends. You could begin by asking your partner about their day. As you share yours, you can segue into a part of the day that left you feeling burnt out. Maybe your toddler said something you'd normally find funny, for instance, but you were so zapped that you struggled to find joy from her silly comment. From there, you can take a step back and talk about how burnout is affecting you day to day.
"It has to be a lot more about how you're feeling and what your experience is versus all the things you're doing that your partner isn't, because that will put them on the defensive," Bertolucci says. "You could say something like, 'I'm feeling very drained throughout the day because of [blank], and I'm really struggling with that."
As your partner gets clued into the fact that your workload is leaving you overwhelmed, you can start talking about specific areas where you need help. Go through the tasks you typically need to tackle on a given day or in a given week and invite your partner to share ideas for how they might be able to help you, Weiland advises.
Above all, go into the conversation with the intent of you asking your partner for help in solving this problem together — as opposed to blaming them for not doing enough. If they start to feel like you're pointing the finger at them, there's a good chance the conversation will simply shut down, and you won't get the support you need, Dr. Perera says.
How to talk to a doctor or therapist about burnout
If you're looking for mental health support, your doctor is a good place to start.
"Providers are getting more keyed into mental health issues," Weiland says. "They're asking questions about mental health more, and they're more receptive to patients bringing it up on their own."
You can start with something simple like, "I haven't been feeling like myself lately, and I could use some additional support. Do you have any tools or recommendations you could share?" Bertolucci recommends.
From there, your doctor might opt to conduct a short screening questionnaire for anxiety or depression, or refer you to a therapist to talk to.
More tips on asking for help with burnout
Getting help for burnout is the best way to start feeling better. But even when you know what you have to do — sit down and have that heart to heart! — it isn't always easy. A few more expert tips that can help:
- Chat with a friend who's been there. Most moms have experienced feelings of burnout at some point or another. Share your feelings with a friend, and ask them how they got through it. Even if they can't lighten your load, you might feel better knowing you're not the only one who has felt this way, Bertolucci says.
- Be open to compromising. Maybe your partner's schedule doesn't allow them to be home for bath time, even though that's when you need the most help. Rather than blaming them, work together to find a compromise so you can still get the break you need, recommends Tacha Fletcher, LCSW, CCTP, founder of Wellness Tree Counseling Services in New York.
- Be solution-oriented. Yes, venting and letting off some steam just for the sake of it can feel good sometimes. But if you really want to get your burnout under control, try to devote most of your conversation to coming up with concrete solutions, Fletcher recommends. If your partner travels for work and the weeks when they're away feel overwhelming, for instance, focus on brainstorming what can be done to take some of the pressure off.
Most important of all? Try to remember your partner's true intentions. Even if it feels like you're doing everything lately, you're not alone.
"Your partner cares about you," Bertolucci says. "They would do anything to make you feel better." But they can only help out if they know what's going on inside your head.
Yes 
No 
Trending On What to Expect
