I'm not the same person I was before having kids. But she is still a part of me buried somewhere deep under snacktime, stained leggings and a messy bun. That's why my childfree friends are so important to me now as a mom. They act as my tether to who I once was, and help me remember I am a whole person outside of my kids.
For more than twenty years, Jess and Candace have been by my side. I met Jess in high school, then Candace joined our group in college. Together, the three of us weathered crappy jobs, bad relationships and utter brokeness. We went to too many music festivals and took a lot of girls' trips and celebrated the big life milestones. Even in between those moments, we simply enjoyed each other's company on quiet summer evenings in the yard after work. They were my people. A place to crash. A chaperone. The ones to call if your car wouldn't start or your heart was broken. We have always been able to count on each other.
Each version of them loved each version of me, and as much as we changed, we stayed the same when we were together. In growing up, we each found more stability and happiness. But I was the only one who chose to become a mom.
When my son was just a few weeks old, I joined a mom group for support. I was in the throes of postpartum depression and looking for some kind of hope and community. I remember later that day texting with Jess and Candace. I described the different mom archetypes I met and speculated which one I was going to become: a homeschool mom, a crunchy mom, a mom who's always in fitness clothes on the way to or from a workout class at the Y …
Read This Next
They listened as I predicted my future self, but this was a transition I had to navigate alone. And for me, that was the scariest time because by accepting my place in the world of parenting, it felt like I was leaving behind the rest of my identity. I was losing my sense of self.
Nothing prepared me for the ways in which motherhood would touch and change everything in my life. How the world viewed me, how I viewed myself, and countless other things flipped upside down when my son entered the world. Success was my son taking his morning nap or us getting out of the house both looking somewhat put together. I had traded working non-stop for full-time motherhood. I feel like I went from leading meetings to leading playdates.
Of course I need the new relationships in my life — my mom friends were essential in helping me get on my feet. There's a lot of talk about mom friends and it's true, you need those people who can tell you that they have been in your shoes, that yes, it's hard and everything you are feeling is normal. But I still need my childfree friends, too — even if they can't always relate to battling sleep deprivation and the most recent bug getting passed around the preschool. I still need the women who know me to my core.
My relationship with Jess and Candace reminds me of that moment in the movie Finding Nemo when Dory is begging Marlin not to leave and she says, "Because when I look at you, I can feel it. And I look at you and I'm home."
It's pretty easy to forget who you are in the ocean of motherhood, but it helps to have people in your life who can be your anchor.
Yes 
No 
Trending On What to Expect
