“My partner and I live with his parents and two sisters. It'll be great to have all the extra help with the baby, but on the other hand, I feel like I won’t be able to enjoy time alone with my son and learn things on my own. One sister-in-law, who can’t have kids, keeps saying that this is her baby and that she’s going to wake up with him at night and stay home with him while I go back to work. I try not to take her too seriously, but it's really bothering me. How do I tell my in-laws to back off without hurting their feelings?”
It’s great that you’ll have so much family support around you after the baby is born. (It’s how childrearing was done back in the good ole days!) And it really does take a village to raise a child. But what happens when the villagers want to take over the house?
Setting boundaries with your in-laws now, before your baby is born, is not a bad idea. You’ll definitely want and need some private time to test your wings as a new mother (after all, it's a learn-by-doing process) and bond with your newborn. You’ll also want time alone with your partner and the chance to experience all the ups (baby’s first smile!) and downs (another midnight feeding!?) that come with being a brand-new family as a threesome (rather than a foursome or fivesome — or more!).
There are gentle ways to handle this, without (ideally) hurting your in-laws’ feelings. Start by expressing your gratitude while also laying down some ground rules. Take your sister-in-law aside, for example, and say: “I am so happy you are going to be such a big part of our child’s life. And having your support is so important. But I’m going to need to find my own way, and you can help me do that by giving me some space and time alone with the baby.” Then explain how you’ll want to handle the midnight feedings and child-care decisions on your own. It will also be helpful to have your partner on board with your decisions, so have a frank talk with them, too, about your feelings and how to best manage the situation so you come across as a unified front.
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Be careful not to wander too far into the “I’ll do it all myself” direction, however. New moms need a lot of support and TLC, and you’ll find that some “me” time away from the baby can and will be a sanity saver. As your body recovers from the brunt of labor, you’ll be amazed what wonders a nap and hot shower can do — and that’s when your in-laws’ help will become invaluable.
Here's to one big, happy family,
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