You want the best for your toddler, but it's a universally-acknowledged truth that if you're in a rush and it's 32 degrees outside with snow on the ground, your tot will pitch a fit about putting on a jacket. You've offered choices ("Green coat or blue coat?"), processes ("Coat first, special shoes second") and even peer pressure ("Daddy's wearing a coat, your sister's wearing a coat … ") But all you get back is, "No coat!"

It's pretty obvious that both you and your toddler are starting to see red. Before you lose your cool, give natural consequences a try. 

Sometimes the best way to teach your tot a new behavior is by stepping aside and letting your child experience some cause and effect — as long as it's safe to do so. Let your mini fashionista stand outside for a minute in the T-shirt and bathing suit bottom she's determined to wear today of all days, and she'll soon be ready for a jacket and maybe some pants too. That's the magic of natural consequences.

What are natural consequences?

A natural consequence simply means the predicted outcome of a choice. While "consequences" may seem like disciplinary action (like a time-out or losing screen time), what makes natural consequences different is relying on nature or physics to create the outcome. 

Rather than coming up with a man-made consequence for not wearing a coat (no favorite car song, etc.), letting your toddler stand outside sans jacket (just beyond the front door for a few minutes if it's safe to do so) allows her to realize independently why she needs to bundle up. 

Having toddlers and preschoolers experience natural consequences is an important part of changing unwanted behaviors. 

"It's very important that every parent fundamentally understands how behavior is shaped," says child psychiatrist Sid Khurana, M.D. of Nevada Mental Health. "Our consequences change us, and we learn from our consequences."

Natural consequences go hand-in-hand with gentle parenting (sometimes called positive parenting), an evidence-based approach to parenting that uses age-appropriate discipline along with empathy and respect for both children and parents.[1] The ultimate goal: nurturing a child's independence and decision-making skills.

Just remember that relying on natural consequences doesn't work in every situation. "Our first job as parents is to keep our children safe," Dr. Khurana says. "You have to make a decision whether or not a natural consequence is okay or if it’s necessary to intervene." For example, you shouldn't let your child experience the natural consequence of running through a glass door.

Why should you use natural consequences as a discipline method? 

When it comes down to it, discipline is all about extinction: discouraging and eliminating your child's negative behaviors (while simultaneously increasing and encouraging good behavior through positive reinforcement). 

"Extinction means that behavior has no reinforcement," Dr. Khurana says. 

For a toddler, getting attention from a parent — even one who's yelling and getting upset — can reinforce a behavior just as much as praise. Natural consequences, then, are a powerful tool for discipline because they allow kids to experience the outcome of their decisions without reinforcing the bad behavior.

For example, the most effective way to stop your little one from intentionally spilling her juice (and any other liquid she can find) is not to add any fuel to the fire. The natural consequence here: Stay calm, and don't pour any more. Don't react when your child throws her cup on the floor, and pretty soon she'll figure it out all on her own to keep that cup upright if she wants to have a drink with her lunch.[2] 

Examples of natural consequences

Natural consequences work best when there is a safe and predictable outcome to your child's behavior that doesn't need any adult intervention. Caregivers still need to determine whether a natural consequence or a man-made consequence makes more sense. 

Natural consequences for not listening

You've tried warning your tot that the mac and cheese is very hot, but she isn't listening (because it's mac and cheese!) If she takes a bite, it may hurt a little, but she'll be okay. Follow up this natural consequence with a gentle conversation: "I was trying to tell you that we have to slow down and let the pasta cool down for a minute."

Natural consequences for hitting

If your child hits a toy out of a sibling's hand, the natural consequences will come pretty quickly: Sister won't want to play anymore.

But if your child hits you as part of a bedtime dispute, there's no natural consequence for that. Your own anger or hurt is too abstract, and feeling tired tomorrow is a consequence that's too far off for a child to truly understand. Here, a man-made consequence delivered calmly — like one fewer story at bedtime — will work better.  

Natural consequences for not cleaning up 

Sometimes leaving toys out ruins them: chalk melts in the rain, an action figure gets crushed underfoot … These scenarios are the perfect time to use natural consequences followed up by conversation. ("If we leave chalk out, it gets ruined, so we need to clean up next time.") 

But sometimes, leaving a mess doesn't have an immediate natural consequence. In that case, try cleaning up together or using a man-made consequence. ("We have to clean up the blocks first before we can start with paints.")

Natural consequences for lying

Often the natural consequence of a lie is too abstract for a toddler to understand or dangerous. (If you lie, I won't trust you; if you lie about brushing your teeth, you will get cavities; if you lie about buckling yourself in, you could get hurt.) 

For toddlers, you'll most likely need to rely on man-made consequences for lying. ("The car isn't starting until your seatbelt is on.")

Natural consequences for talking back

It's really important to avoid reinforcing rude toddler behavior and defiance with negative reactions. For example, if your child makes a potty joke, tell them that potty language can only be used in the potty, and drop them off in the bathroom, Dr. Khurana advises. "Tell them they can come back from the potty when they are done with the potty joke."

Natural consequences are definitely not a one-size-fits-all solution system of discipline. But, in the right situation, natural consequences can help you gently and effectively change your tot's unwanted behaviors.