As many parents can tell you, mom burnout is super real — and research shows the mental state of American parents is dire. Two-thirds (66 percent) of parents described themselves as burnt out.[1]
But while solutions to job burnout typically involve going on vacation or taking mental health days (or in some cases, quitting), that’s not nearly as feasible when you’re a parent — making getting help challenging. Thankfully, there are other expert-backed options to address mom burnout and get the help you need.
What is mom burnout?
Burnout is typically understood as a chronic form of workplace-related stress. People with burnout typically experience mental or physical exhaustion, feel negatively or distant toward their jobs, and are less effective at their jobs as a result, the World Health Organization (WHO) states.[2]
According to the American Psychological Association (APA), burnout is caused "from performing at a high level until stress and tension … take their toll."[3]
While most research on burnout has focused on the workplace, experts say that the phenomenon can apply in situations outside of someone’s 9 to 5.
"Burnout can be produced by any situation where the stress of that situation outweighs the coping tools or support one has to ameliorate the stress," says Gail Saltz, Ph.D., a psychologist and clinical associate professor of psychology at New York Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell Medical College.
Enter mom burnout or parental burnout. There is not an official definition of either term but as experts typically understand it, "We are referring to the state of mental, emotional and physical exhaustion related to parenting," says Anjali Ferguson, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist.
Mom burnout, if unaddressed, can have a big impact on overall mental health and can develop into other types of mental illness, like clinical depression or anxiety. Burned out parents often feel trapped in their situation.[4] In extreme cases, burned out parents who can’t get the help they need are more likely to hurt or neglect their children, so it's important to recognize and treat parental burnout.[5]
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Symptoms of mom burnout
Researchers developed the Parental Burnout Assessment (PBA) in 2018 to better identify and understand this particular phenomenon.[6] They found that parental burnout typically has four components:
Feeling exhausted by parenting
This is different from the expected tiredness that comes from taking care of a colicky newborn or toddlers with boundless energy. Experts say that burned out parents are psychologically overwhelmed and exhausted to a level of feeling like they can't bear the stress of parenting.
Some people might also feel physical symptoms of chronic stress or exhaustion, like headaches, back or muscle pains, upset stomachs or trouble sleeping.
Feeling like a worse parent than before or for the first time
The researchers call this "contrast with the previous parental self." In layman’s terms, this means that you no longer feel like you’re a good, effective parent.
You might feel ashamed of your parenting, or tell yourself that you’re not the mom you once were or even that you’ve lost your way in your role. You might also feel guilt over not "doing enough" or "being good enough" of a parent, or anxiety about every aspect of child rearing.
Feeling fed up, frustrated or dissatisfied with parenting
This is exactly what it sounds like. Many burned out parents have a short fuse with their kids or loved ones. They might also start to feel like they can’t stand being a parent or don’t enjoy being with their children.
Distancing yourself emotionally from children
Experts say that this is the biggest red flag for mom burnout. A burned out parent doesn’t feel connected to their children and struggles to show affection or love for them. They also might not find any joy in the parenting process, and start to isolate themselves from their children or their loved ones.
What does burnout feel like?
Parenting itself is hard and tiring, even on the best of days — making it hard to differentiate from burnout for many parents. The key thing, though, is that emotional component, says Dr. Ferguson.
If you're feeling physically tired but still connected with your kids and finding some joy even in the hard days, you're probably not burnt out.
"But if you have this strong disconnect where you just feel like you want to distance yourself from your child or your partner or a relationship in your life, that's a huge red flag," she says.
If you’re not sure if you're burned out, here are some questions to ask yourself:
Do you feel completely exhausted by parenting?
Does getting a good night’s sleep not help with the exhaustion?
Do you feel overwhelmed by everything you have to do as a parent?
Do you feel like you’re on autopilot or in a kind of survival mode as a parent?
Do you feel like you’re no longer the parent you want to be?
Do you feel shame or guilt about your current parenting abilities?
Do you feel angry, frustrated or trapped by your situation as a parent?
Are you pulling away emotionally from your children? Is it hard for you to be around them?
What causes mom burnout?
There are a few key factors that can cause mom or parental burnout:
Inadequate support: The specifics vary from person to person, but that can entail insufficient assistance from one’s partner, child care struggles, a limited "village" to lean on or the absence of emotional support. A person might also not have a good or effective self-care plan to support mental well-being.
Financial or other life stresses: If the rest of your life is difficult and stressful, that can make parenting even tougher. Whether that’s struggling to make ends meet, losing your job (or having a very intense job), navigating institutional racism, caring for a sick family member or being a single parent, these things can ratchet up the stress.
Perfectionism: Parents with perfectionistic tendencies — needing to do everything right, holding high standards for themselves and their kids — may also be more at risk of burnout.
There are also some situations that might increase a person’s risk of mom burnout, like:
Gender: Women are significantly more likely to experience parenting burnout than men.This is possibly because women often experience the expectation to be the primary caregiver and thus take on the majority of parenting.
Prior mental health issue: As with job burnout, someone with a history of depression or anxiety is more likely to develop parental burnout. For example, an Ohio State University report found that 77 percent of parents with anxiety reported burnout. Having a child with a mental health condition like attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) can also increase a person’s risk of burnout, per the report.
How to recover from mom burnout
Thankfully, experts say parental burnout is typically a temporary (and treatable) condition. While you might not be able to take a "vacation" from parenting like you could from a very stressful job, there are lots of things you can do to address burnout:
Find social support. Good social support has been shown to reduce feelings of stress and make you more resilient to it.[7] Talking to someone who you trust, whether it’s family members or fellow mom friends, can lighten your load and also remove some of the shame and guilt you might feel.
Delegate some of the parenting tasks. If you’re the primary caregiver and feel like you’re drowning, enlist help! "Sometimes, we just can't do it all, and we have to be okay with asking for help in those moments," says Dr. Ferguson. Offload excess tasks you’ve taken on to a partner, co-parent, friends or family members. If you have the means, hire a babysitter or increase their hours to give yourself a break from mom duty now and again. It’s okay to need help.
Say no to excessive commitments. Striving for perfection can be exhausting. Look at your roster to see what you can give up or adjust to make your life a little easier. Does your child really need five extracurriculars after school? Can you step back from volunteer hours temporarily? Can you ask your job for flexible hours or more remote work?
Learn some new parenting skills. Sometimes mom burnout strikes during a really difficult developmental phase, like sleep regression or potty training. Or you might just generally question your parenting prowess right now. Experts say learning new techniques specific to your situation, whether that’s through reading books or taking a course, can help you feel more confident as a parent (and thus tackle some of the feelings of burnout).
Prioritize your stress management. On airplanes, flight attendants tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first in emergencies before helping others. The same logic applies to parenting: if you’re not making time for yourself and your well-being, you’re not in a good place to help others. Physical exercise, meditation, hot baths or walks with friends are all things that can reduce your stress levels. Make time for a stress-relieving activity daily, and include it on your calendar as you would a doctor’s appointment or parent-teacher conference.
Build in some child-free breaks. Even the most "perfect" parents need some child-free now and then. Factor in some "me time" away from your kids each week, whether that’s waking up early before your kid gets up, or having a standing coffee date with a friend.
Talk to a therapist. It’s not required to recover from burnout, but talking to a licensed therapist can validate your feelings, get you emotional support and help you develop specific coping skills you might have considered.
How to avoid burnout in the future
As mentioned, burnout is a temporary condition that can be resolved. But it can sometimes return, depending on other things you’re going through in your life or on your parenting journey.
If it does, you now know how to identify it — allowing you to be more proactive and not let it fester.
Experts recommend coming up with a self-care plan in advance where you identify the signs you need to take a break as well as some techniques that have helped you before. Then share that plan with your loved ones — whether that’s your partner, a close friend or another family member — so they can help you implement that plan when the time comes.
That way if burnout strikes again, you've already done the legwork to make getting help easier.
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