As a soldier in the U.S. Army, I'm expected to be strong, competent and resilient. I am a noncommissioned officer, a wife and the mother of two beautiful children. From the outside, my life is the all-American dream. I have a great job serving my country, a loving spouse and a supportive family. What most people don’t see is a woman who has privately suffered from postpartum depression.
When I was pregnant with my first child, I was so excited. I couldn't wait to feel my baby kick, and I loved watching my body change as I grew this tiny human.
Around 24 weeks, everything changed. After a routine ultrasound, my doctor called to schedule a follow-up visit. Although my husband usually accompanied me to prenatal appointments, we decided that he'd stay at work this time (he's also a soldier) and I’d go by myself.
When I arrived at the doctor’s office, my practitioner entered the room and sat down — and I immediately sensed that something was wrong. He told me that a few things were found during the ultrasound that I should be aware of. I'll never forget the heavy feeling when I heard the news: My daughter had a brain abnormality.
Looking back, I think that was the moment when my depression and anxiety first started to emerge. I didn’t know if my baby was going to make it. I was alone and I felt guilty, like this might have been my fault. As a mom, it was my responsibility to make sure my child was healthy and happy.
I isolated myself for the remainder of my pregnancy. I didn’t want to seek help. I was afraid of being talked about. I tried opening up to a few family members, but I felt as if no one could really understand what I was going through. Trying to explain our child's condition left me feeling frustrated.
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I remember crying one day to my husband about how helpless I felt. He reminded me that I needed to be strong because we had a baby who needed us. My husband, wanting to be strong for me, kept his own fears and pain to himself.
At 39 weeks, my beautiful daughter Eva was born. My husband and mother were with me during her birth. The maternity suite was crowded; nurses, physicians' assistants and anyone who could assist, advise or learn from my labor and delivery seemed to fill the room. My medical team wasn't sure if Eva would need surgery immediately after her birth, and they wanted to be prepared in case she did.
Luckily, Eva's birth was uncomplicated. After she was born, my recovery in the hospital was pretty standard. Our medical team conducted routine checks and observed Eva frequently, and we were relieved to learn that she was in good health. Still, we knew that her brain abnormality could make the future very challenging, and that weighed on us.
Once we arrived home with our baby, the reality of my new life hit me. Like many new moms, I struggled with breastfeeding. Eva had difficulty latching and also had tongue-tie. We later learned that she also had swallowing issues, which made feedings hard on both of us.
My mother left a few days later. And while my work supervisor kindly visited and brought gifts he had collected from the unit's soldiers, I didn't have many friends around. I felt like I had no one to vent my frustrations to.
Within a month of Eva's birth, my husband left for military training. Soon after, I started to feel as if my mental and emotional well-being were at their wit's end. I wasn't sleeping. The days felt like they ran together as I spent them alone caring for our newborn. I started to wonder if something wasn't quite right, but at the time, I didn’t really know much about postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety. I did know I was anxious all the time, didn't feel like eating, and felt desperate and exhausted.
When Eva was 3 months old, I returned to work. I was nervous about leaving her with a sitter, but I had no other choice. I needed to return to duty.
In the mornings, I would go to postpartum physical training, which involved cardio and high-intensity workouts. After that, I’d head into the office where I worked as an intelligence imagery analyst. My job requires me to be detailed-oriented and highly focused — but doing my work felt impossible. Getting back into the groove wasn't as seamless as I'd hoped.
My work life suffered as I tried to mask my struggles. I was showing up day after day with a smile on my face, but I wasn’t interacting with my peers like I used to. I didn’t attend activities outside of work. I was distant. There were times when I’d begin to cry at the slightest dilemma. I was plummeting into despair.
Before long, people began to notice. First my husband, then my co-workers started to sense that I wasn't myself. One day at work, my supervisor asked if I was okay, and I admitted that I wasn't. Up until that moment, I had convinced myself that my struggles were normal. Now, it was clear that I needed help.
I started seeing a therapist and was diagnosed with postpartum depression. I learned that many of the symptoms I was experiencing — crying, anxiety, mood swings, insomnia, despair — were common signs of PPD. It's normal for most women to experience a spectrum of emotions after giving birth, which is often called the "baby blues." These emotions usually fade within a few weeks. For me, like other new moms who go on to develop PPD, the feelings of sadness were longer lasting and crept into every facet of my life.
My practitioner recommended talk therapy sessions twice a week, and eventually prescribed me antidepressants. Slowly, I started to feel like myself again. I could find joy in things that previously weren’t pleasurable to me, like exercising and spending time with coworkers. I made it a priority to focus on self care, and found that I have a talent for doing my own hair and experimenting with new styles.
Over the last five years, my mental health has drastically improved, but it wasn't without help. My husband, family and peers have all expressed their love and support for me. For that, I am grateful.
When I was pregnant with my second child, I had the chance to do things differently. I made an effort not to keep my feelings to myself and reached out for support when I needed it. I also focused on self care, even if that just meant maintaining a healthy diet and getting enough sleep, and I continued attending sessions with my therapist. After the birth of my second child, I didn't experience the lows or moments of despair like I had the first time around. My journey to motherhood has been challenging, but it's brought me to a better place.
By SGT Alora Feller as told to Marla Bautista
If you or someone you know is suffering from PPD, remember that you’re not alone and help is available. Check out these resources for more support and information:
- Office on Women's Health (800-994-9662)
- National Library of Medicine, Medline Plus
- Postpartum Support International (800-944-4PPD)
- National Alliance on Mental Illness (800-950-NAMI)
- What to Expect's Postpartum Depression Group
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