Bringing your new baby home is exciting and joyful — definitely full of snuggles. But it has its harder moments too. Feeding, diapering and caring for a helpless being who can't speak yet is all-consuming and exhausting. It can leave you missing adult connection and feeling lonelier than ever, even when you're never really alone.
Loneliness in new parenthood is common, and actually, all Americans are feeling more isolated than ever, a new U.S. Surgeon General report finds.[1]
"It can be isolating and lonely, especially in the early months of parenting a little one, when all of your time and attention is focused on your newborn's health, safety and wellbeing," says Heidi Murkoff, creator of What to Expect. "Like I always say, no mom stands alone. When the journey gets lonely, your sisterhood is always here."
Community is so important to your physical and mental health. Making sure you stay connected to family, friends and yourself may be a little more difficult in this season, but it's worth it.
Why you may be feeling especially lonely right now
When researchers study social connection they look at two things: loneliness and social isolation. While these are similar, they're not the same. Loneliness is a person's internal experience of an unmet need for connection, and it can be personal. (Some people enjoy alone time more than others, for example.) Meanwhile, social isolation is a more objective measure of having few social interactions or relationships. Social connection can also be gauged by the quality of your relationships.
Generally speaking, across various measures, Americans are less connected than ever — a trend that has developed over the past few decades, according to the Surgeon General's new report. Between 2003 and 2020, Americans went from spending an average 285 minutes a day alone, to an average 333 minutes a day alone. New moms may be alone even more often while being the primary caregiver for a tiny, fussy human with a very strict nap schedule.
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"While most new moms experience moments of loneliness from time to time, it's important to be aware of the signs of a postpartum mood disorder, such as intense feelings of sadness, anxiety or despair that prevent you from being able to do daily tasks," says U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, M.D. "If you think you might have postpartum depression or another mood disorder, speak with your health care provider as soon as possible. There are resources and treatment options available to help you."
How to combat loneliness as a new mom
When you're too tired to leave the house the morning after cluster feeding, it's so easy to fall into the trap of thinking you're isolated and alone — especially if you spent time scrolling social media and saw all the happy moms out to brunch with their resting babies enjoying every minute. But there's a middle ground. You can feel like you belong to a community without pretending you're not in a really hard season right now.
It's important for your health — and your baby's health — to give yourself space and grace in this moment. "The good news is that there are steps you can take right away to increase how connected you feel to those around you," Dr. Murthy says. "That's a powerful antidote to loneliness and a great way to improve your mental and physical health."
Here are some ideas for getting out there.
- Break that home-alone cycle. It can be hard to get out of the house sometimes, but once you make it a part of your daily routine, it gets easier. "Take your baby out for a walk, meet a friend you've been ghosting for coffee, sign up for a local mom meetup or join baby-friendly classes," suggests Heidi. Look at your local library events calendar; many offer great mommy-and-me storytime programs.
- Join a virtual community. While social media might not leave you in the best mood, joining an active mom group online can be uplifting. "These are an awesome way to connect with other moms who know exactly what you're feeling because they're feeling it too," explains Heidi. "Join a birth month group (like the What to Expect community) and find the supportive company you're craving."
- Make "me" time a priority. Remember those hobbies and activities that excited you before you had a baby? You don't have to put them on the back burner now. "When you're always on mom time, remember it's important to allow space for your own happiness," says Heidi. "And a shower."
Resources if you need help
If you think you might have postpartum depression or another perinatal mood or anxiety disorder, or if you simply don't feel like yourself, know that you're not alone and help is available.
The National Maternal Mental Health Hotline is a free, 24/7 hotline with real-time, confidential support. Call or text 1-833-9-HELP4MOMS (1-833-943-5746) to speak to a professional counselor.
If you are having thoughts of suicide, call or text 988 or visit the confidential National Suicide Prevention Lifeline website right away.
The What to Expect Postpartum Depression group is another great resource for moms seeking support.
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