When your toddler denies any culpability for the colorful crayon marks all over the living room — with no other possible suspects in sight — the writing is quite literally on the wall: Your toddler is lying to you.
Usually by the time they turn 3, many toddlers struggle to fess up to misdeeds. Instead, they justify their actions with fibs, fakeries and every flavor of falsehood. Even though it's normal behavior, it's also in your best interest to address this truth-twisting habit head-on. Here's what to do when your child lies — and how to stop him from doing it in the first place.
Why do children lie?
First of all, don't worry about a sudden uptick in fibs. Your toddler isn't on the road to a life of crime. Here's why your kid may tell you something other than the truth:
They want to please you
When your child spills juice on the couch and then brazenly testifies, "I didn't do it!" he's not trying to con you. He's just trying to remain "good."
Toddlers are hardwired to please, so once they see you're unhappy with their behavior, they may attempt to "undo" their misdeed by denying it and pretending it never happened.
They want to avoid punishment
Toddlers may also feel they can dodge the consequences by lying. ("If I don't admit to spilling the juice, I won't get in trouble or have to help wipe it up.")
They honestly don't remember
There may be developmental reasons, too, behind his fib: A toddler's memory is a work in progress. Your little one may really not remember that he drew on the wall, or if your 3-year-old falsely accuses his brother of instigating a fight, he may have truly forgotten that he's the one who landed the first blow.
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They have a different sense of reality
Lying may also stem from an inability to distinguish between reality and fantasy.[1] When Henry sees that Jimmy has a new toy truck, Henry may see nothing dishonest in saying, "I got a new truck, too." After all, speaking his fantasy makes him feel better.
Or maybe the idea that his little sister colored on the wall is entirely plausible to him, even though you know that would have been impossible.
How to stop a child from lying
As your little one grows, he'll continue to develop his moral compass with your guidance. In the meantime, help him 'fess up by trying these tactics:
Limit the opportunity
If you're certain your child did something wrong, don't bother grilling him, which can open the door to a big fat fib. Instead, address the problem directly.
Talk about his transgression (and future transgressions) in a way that limits his opportunity to lie about it. For example, instead of asking, "Did you draw on the wall?" — which will only open the door to a denial — say, "I see you drew on the wall. What can we do about this?"
Stay calm
If you react to your tot's lies with harsh discipline or red-faced anger, he'll be reluctant to confess in the future.[2] Keep your cool so he feels comfortable enough to own up.
Then, praise him for admitting what happened ("I'm very happy that you told me the truth about drawing on the wall") to reinforce the value of truthfulness.
Help him see the whole truth
Toddlers suffer from selective recall. A 3-year-old who blames a bedroom mess on his big sister might have conveniently forgotten that he was an active accomplice. Gently coax the complete story from your child to help him view his actions in context.
Opt for fair consequences
Because toddlers aren't intentionally trying to deceive you, fibs themselves aren't a cause for punishment — though the act that provoked his fib (that crayoned mural you didn't commission) might be, as long as he knew that it was against the rules.
Choose a natural consequence that fits the crime.[3] For example, you could have him help you scrub off the marks, which may dissuade his future attempts at wall art. Or after spilling juice on the couch, say, your child can't have snacks in the family room for the rest of the afternoon.
Teach him about trust
At the same time, take advantage of this teachable moment by encouraging honesty. Explain to your child the importance of trust, telling him that when you tell the truth, people learn to trust you.
How to prevent a child from lying in the first place
Reinforce your message that honesty is the best policy on a consistent basis, not just when your toddler bends the truth. Here's how:
Honor honesty
When he comes forward unprompted to admit a mistake or misdeed, praise him for it: "I'm really glad you told me about breaking that toy. It's important to tell the truth."
Trust your tot
Everyone — even a young child — is more likely to be honest when they feel they're trusted. Encourage your toddler to live up to your expectations by telling him what you want him to do and that you trust him to do the right thing.
Before a big family party, for example, say, "I know you'll be on your best behavior at Grandma's house and sit at the table until everyone is done eating."
Be honest yourself
Finally, remember that you are your child's role model. While telling little white lies can sometimes be prudent (such as teaching your toddler about Santa Claus), doing so regularly won't help you set a good example for your child. By making a real effort to tell the truth — every day about everything — you become a real role model for your child (and everyone else in the world!).
If you do tell a little white lie, try to explain it to your toddler: "I didn't tell Grandma that you didn't like the toy she gave you, because I didn't want her to feel bad. Sometimes it's okay not to tell the whole truth if it will keep someone from getting hurt." If you do fib and your child finds out, admit that you made a mistake and apologize.
With you setting the right example and encouraging honesty and trust, your child will soon realize the value of truthfulness and get past the fibbing stage.
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