Losing a premature baby, either before or after birth, is devastating. Besides profound sadness, you may also feel guilty, angry or confused about not carrying the pregnancy to term or not being able to protect your premature baby after birth.
All these feelings are completely normal and common when you lose a preemie. It's important to remember that no one is to blame, and you will heal, in time.
Tips for coping with the loss of a premature baby
Remember to try following this advice after you lose a premature baby:
- Be patient with yourself and your partner. Allow yourself time to grieve and process what happened. Your partner is suffering too, though he or she may deal with the pain differently. Losing a baby may strain your relationship for a while, and you may benefit from seeing a grief counselor together.
- Keep the "what ifs" at bay. You're besieging yourself with questions you can't begin to answer. What if I'd done things differently during my pregnancy, or after my baby's birth? Try to remember that you did everything you could to carry your baby to term, and the premature birth was not your fault. The death of your baby was not your fault. Nothing you did or didn't do would have changed the outcome.
- Get the help you need. Turn to your parents, best friend, therapist, pastor or other relative for support, along with your partner. Ask your practitioner for a referral to a grief counselor if you need one, or find a support group in your area or online. In time, you will heal, and you will recover from this heartbreaking turn of events.
How to honor your premature baby
When a baby dies hours, days or weeks after a preterm birth, the pain may seem like it's too much to bear. That's why it's so important to say a proper good-bye. Here are some ways to pay tribute to your premature baby:
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- Hold your baby in your arms
- Take photos of your baby
- Name your baby
- Plan a memorial and burial if it would help
Resources to help you through the loss of a premature baby
If you lose a premature baby, you may want to get extra support outside your family and friends to help you through the pain and grief. Here are a few groups you can try:
- Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support. This organization helps you find support groups in your state and offers tips for coping, among other resources.
- Postpartum Support International's Loss & Grief in Pregnancy and Postpartum. Offers resources including a support group to join, specialists to email and other tools.
- Star Legacy Foundation Support Groups. Provides a list of virtual support groups depending on where you live and what kind of loss you've experienced.
- Return to Zero: H.O.P.E. Offers parents who have lost a baby, plus their family and friends, resources including lists of professionals who can help them, support groups and other tools for coping.
- March of Dimes' Loss & Grief. Provides helpful tips, a support community and other resources if you've lost a baby.
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