“I’m currently fighting with my mother-in-law about when the best time to visit our new baby will be — and did I mention Baby J hasn’t even made his appearance yet? She finally admitted she was upset about not being invited to his birth, but I don't feel like being a host to my mother, grandmother, and MIL after having a baby, and nobody wants to get a hotel room. Any suggestion for this first-time mama before I cave and let everyone just do what they want?” ~ Mikala H
It may take a village to raise a child, but that doesn’t mean you need the whole village living in your house, or even visiting, at the same time. And it definitely doesn’t mean the whole village has to be invited into your birthing room, either.
I know this is easy for me to say and less easy to enforce with friends and family, especially soon-to-be new grandmothers, eager to flex their cuddling muscles, or even muscle their way into the delivery room, deploying the most effective of all parental powers of persuasion (at least when it comes to grown children): guilt. I should know...it was deployed plenty on Erik and me during our early parenting days by our own moms and dads. And I hate to admit this, but I have probably deployed it on my kids more than a few times myself (though I should and do know better!).
It’s hard to draw lines with grandparents and keep them from becoming battle lines in the process. But the bottom line is that there are three people who should be guaranteed bonding time at and after delivery: you, your partner, and Baby J. It’s that threesome that needs to meet, greet, and get to know each other first and foremost. To snuggle skin to skin, eye-to-eye, face-to-face, breathing in his sweet new baby smell while he breathes in Mommy’s familiar scent (and the scent of mommy’s breasts) and gets to know Daddy’s, listening to his first little sounds (and big cries!) while he hears your voices (so comforting after hearing them for months in utero). Everybody else will get their chance for first moments with your baby, but for now, they need to take a number while you go nuclear (family, that is). And that’s not just for bonding’s sake, as important as that is (it’s hard to get to know your baby with a home — OR hospital room — full of hoverers). It’s also because you, new mom, will probably want to focus your time and energy on bonding with (and feeding!) your precious little one and recovering from pregnancy and childbirth — not to hosting a crowd (or even anyone, if you choose to opt out of all visitors at first).
Get to Know Your Newborn Baby
Who gets to be first in line for baby greeting after Mommy and Daddy? That is up to Mommy and Daddy. And by that I don’t mean your Mommy and Daddy or your husband’s Mommy and Daddy — I mean the two of you. As hard as it may be to believe now, there’s a new set of parents in town, and among many other rules you two will be and should be setting: who comes to town and when to visit your new baby.
Factors you’ll likely want to consider when making that decision: which family members or friends you feel most comfortable with (sounds like your mom comes out on top there, not surprisingly), whether the family members are good company (the kind that cleans, or at least picks up thoroughly after themselves, maybe even cooks and shops and does laundry), are good at pitching in without taking over (soothing baby while you take a shower, not grabbing him out of your hands to show you how baby soothing is done), are good at giving advice only when asked for, and good at following the rules — your rules (mega-meddlers need not apply).
Now to the tricky part: Letting your MIL know that she can’t be first in line to greet baby — or tied for first with your mom — with a minimum of hurt feelings (hers), guilty feelings (your husband’s) or hostile feelings (yours). And without escalating the current family fight into a full on family battle.
Your best bet is to put a positive spin on the situation. Write a sweet, warm email or note (turn it into a Hallmark moment with a card you know she’ll love). Start with empathy, letting her know that you completely understand her wanting to see her son’s first baby born and to spend first weeks with him — and that you also can appreciate why her feelings are hurt at having that wish denied. Explain that you will certainly feel the same way when your own son’s first is born, and that you will (chances are) have a very hard time with Baby’s future spouse choosing to have her mom by her side instead of you. You get it.
Then, invite her for a visit when you anticipate you’ll be ready (your mom has gone home, you’ve got baby care basics and new mom logistics squared away) and may even welcome some help (maybe because your husband has headed back to work, and/or it’s been a solid week since you’ve seen the light of day or washed your hair or ate a real meal) — a date that’s hopefully not too, too far in the future. Explain why visiting then will be so much more awesome for her and you than visiting now: the baby will be more alert and awake more often during the day and will be more social (maybe even smiling for the first time), you will definitely need more help that she would be uniquely able to provide (play up her baby care prowess here! Her amazing home cooking that you and your hubby miss! Her epic organizing skills!). And promise to do plenty of face-time with baby (including from the hospital) in the meantime, and to positively inundate her with photos of Baby J taken just for her. Heck, while you’re at it, buy her a special frame that will soon hold the first picture of her holding Baby J.
Chances are all will be forgiven and forgotten, and hard feelings will melt away (along with her heart), the moment your mother-in-law sees that sweet little face for the first time. And if not by then, definitely (almost) for sure by the time she finally gets her chance to snuggle him up close and personal.
In the meantime, talk openly with your husband about the strain between you and his mom and see if he might be willing to speak to her, as well, to try and patch things up. Remember, one of your most important assignments as new parents will be to learn to work as a team in all that you do, and that includes dealing with your own parents — confronting every challenge as one united family unit front. A house that’s not divided, after all, can stand up to just about anything...even in-laws!
Here’s to happy parenting...and grandparenting!
Hugs,
Heidi
Help Me, Heidi! is a weekly advice column in which What to Expect creator Heidi Murkoff answers your most pressing pregnancy and parenting questions. She’s tackling the stuff you are desperate to know right now — so if you have a question, ask Heidi here or on Facebook and she might answer in an upcoming column. (Not sure if Heidi's answered one of your questions? Check out the rest of the columns here.)
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