While babysitting a friend’s 4-month-old, I marveled at how much fun it was to sit and cuddle her while she cooed and made googly eyes at me. But it wasn't until I put her down for her nap in my room, closed the door, and went to work in another room that I realized the significance of shutting that door.
See, I don't have those carefree memories of my babies. And it kills me to write that. There were no shut doors for me. My anxiety wouldn’t let me even think about closing a door. What if they choked and I didn’t see them? What if they died quietly in their sleep? What if…?
I could never relax, much less enjoy my infants. I tried to be like the other carefree moms I saw at the park, but it turns out you can't "try" your way out of postpartum depression. Despite doing everything I could to avoid it, after every one of my five babies was born, I fell down a deep, dark hole. It wasn’t that I didn't love them. It was that I loved them so much my heart seized at the thought that someday I might lose them in any of the myriad ways that a mother can lose a child. That thought was omnipresent in every waking moment from the time I found out I was pregnant until each child was about 2.
Thankfully, medication, therapy and time helped me crawl out of that dark place, and I can now say I enjoy plenty of happy times with my kids — but all I have to do is look at a picture of my babies to remember what living in the prison of PPD felt like. It was hell.
I’m not alone. About one in nine women will experience postpartum depression, making it the most common “complication” of childbirth, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).
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For a condition so common, it’s still sorely misunderstood. A big part of the problem is that the illness itself makes it hard to talk to others, for fear of looking "crazy" or like a "bad mom." So to help combat these negative stereotypes, we asked the moms on the What to Expect message boards to share what postpartum depression is really like and what they wish they’d known about it.
1. You may have some seriously scary intrusive thoughts
You don’t want to think about the many unthinkable tragedies that could befall your sweet baby, so in response your brain may choose to obsess over them. The more scared you are by these intrusive thoughts, the more you can’t stop thinking about them and the more fearful you become, creating a vicious cycle.
“After giving birth to my first baby, anytime I would think of going up or down the stairs in my house with the baby, I would get these mental images of me falling down the stairs with him. I would also have these images if someone else so much as carried the babies near the stairs. These images became increasingly distressing to the point where I would want to avoid any stairs, which is impossible in my split level house. It wasn’t until I started seeing a therapist that I learned that these images are commonly a part of postpartum anxiety [and depression],” kautensn shared.
There is help, and talking about your symptoms with your doctor or a trusted loved one is the first step. A common worry is that telling someone about PPD will make them think you're a bad mom, or even that they'll take your baby away. But postpartum depression is never your fault, and your doctor knows that. He or she is there to help you — not judge.
2. PPD isn’t always the result of a difficult pregnancy
You may think that if your pregnancy went great then your recovery period will be just as smooth — or, vice versa, you may think that if you had a difficult pregnancy then you’re doomed to get postpartum depression. But PPD has way more to do with your hormones and other external factors than it does with your pregnancy.
“I had a perfect pregnancy, I loved being pregnant,” sandyp123 wrote. “I never even imagined I’d suffer from PPD after such good experiences, but the dark cloud after our daughter was born just would not go away. No one had talked to me about PPD or what to watch for. I couldn’t stop crying and wanted to run away every second of every day...it was crippling. Now I tell everyone I know who is expecting or trying to conceive about the seriousness of PPD and what to watch for.”
3. You may not realize you are suffering from PPD
One of the most challenging parts of depression is not realizing how far from your "normal" behavior you’ve gotten, and that is especially true after pregnancy, when everything already is so different. Once your baby’s born, your whole life is turned upside down — and who wouldn’t be at least a little upset, confused or overwhelmed by these changes?
But there are the normal rain showers of the baby blues (which generally fade within a few weeks) and then there’s the drowning monsoon of PPD — and you may not even realize which one it is when you’re standing in it, soaked to the skin.
“It affects every aspect of your life, from how you bond with your baby to how you treat your spouse to how detached you become from family and pets,” dvandine said. “All while you may not even realize you are doing it, and may not realize you have PPD.”
Bottom line: If your partner, parent or a trusted friend suggests something is off and you don’t seem like your usual self, ask yourself if you could have symptoms of PPD or another postpartum mood disorder.
4. It can make it hard to enjoy your baby
When I was in the depths of my postpartum depression, I remember envying a mom at the park who was blissfully pushing her baby in the swing — she made motherhood look so easy and fun, while for me, it was a constant nightmare of paranoia, vigilance and anxiety.
Before my son was born, I had loved other people’s infants, but now that I had my own I found I couldn’t enjoy all his little baby moments because I was so worried all the time.
“When I got home I would be up at night thinking of all of the bad things that would happen if I took him out or if we went for a walk or did simple things,” Lys1996 shared. “It scares me to do stuff with him by myself because outside of the home it’s less controlled. I had no idea that living with PPD/ anxiety meant being scared of everyday activities I did before I had my baby. [It's] very frustrating to try and explain to people because it’s irrational when you say it aloud — but in your mind it all makes sense and seems logical.”
5. You may wish you’d never had your baby
Of course you love and care about your baby, but PPD and postpartum anxiety may make you long for the uncomplicated life you had before he or she was born.
“I felt great for the first four days after I gave birth, and then I was miserable. I felt disconnected from my baby and honestly just wanted my life to go back to the way it was before I had her. I wanted to run away,” sjsmith5486 wrote. “I went to the doctor and bawled my eyes out, they put me on Zoloft, and about two to three weeks later I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. In the meantime, I had family come help.”
6. Any little thing can trigger the bad feelings
It’s a myth that postpartum depression is caused by a specific incident, like a traumatic delivery or a fight with your partner. While those things certainly don’t help, it really comes down to an imbalance of chemicals and hormones in your body. As a result, some moms say that nearly anything can trigger a crying jag or a cloud of depression in those suffering from PPD.
“I cried for a week straight over things I couldn’t control. I would sit and obsess over my brand new baby having to grow up. I would cry because I looked at her. I would cry because we couldn’t get a proper latch for feeding and I wanted to breastfeed more than anything. I would cry over everything. My eyeballs were sore from rubbing them so much,” lexipresley shared. “I couldn’t enjoy my baby because I was crying so much.”
7. It doesn’t always look like “depression"
When you hear postpartum depression, many people immediately think of crying jags, sadness or an inability to get out of bed every day. But postpartum depression symptoms can manifest in a wide variety of emotions, including anger, apathy, guilt, fear and avoidance.
“The biggest thing I have noticed is my temper, it flares out of nowhere and so, so fast. The rage and tension takes over my whole being. Triggers can be many different things but the most heartbreaking is when Baby crying is the trigger — talk about feeling guilty afterward,” zmcenery wrote.
“No one told me that PPD doesn’t always mean that you don’t get out of bed or you isolate yourself. I take my kids to the library, the park, music classes, community events. I clean my house and I cook. But I’m drowning. Inside it feels like I am suffocating slowly. But you would never know from the outside,” KLM1115 shared.
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