Most people don’t set out to be helicopter parents. After all, the stereotype of a parent constantly hovering or swooping in to help their child do something better (or avoid failing) is generally viewed as a negative. But seeing your baby or toddler struggle, get frustrated or risk getting hurt can be tough. Is "helicoptering" really so bad?
While helicopter parents are generally loving, attentive and have the best intentions, some experts believe that being an over-involved or overprotective parent could have drawbacks. Still, knowing when to step in and when to stand back is hard, especially when your child is very young. So how can you strike the right balance?
Here’s a look at why helicoptering might not be the most effective parenting style, how to avoid doing too much for your little one and the benefits she’ll reap by doing more for herself.
What is a helicopter parent?
It’s normal — and a good thing! — for parents to want the best for their kids and feel concern for their well-being. So how is that different from helicopter parenting, exactly?
The term first showed up in 1969 in the book Between Parent and Teenager. Today, helicopter parenting often refers to parents who tend to smother their kids by jumping in too early to help (even though they mean well!).
In particular, the term is frequently used to describe parents who are over-involved with their kids’ schooling — such as doing a child’s homework for them instead of only helping out when the child has a question. But the term can apply to any aspect of family life, and parents with kids of any age can "helicopter," including parents of babies and toddlers.
Instead of being appropriately involved in their children’s lives, helicopter parents tend to be over-involved, experts say. For example, they may be intrusive, overprotective and micromanaging, and generally do not strike the best balance between helping their kids and allowing them to do things for themselves.
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Helicopter parent signs
Little ones need their parents for so many things. But as your baby gets older and becomes a toddler, then a preschooler, she’ll slowly start to be able to accomplish more on her own. Of course, you want to keep her safe and happy as she explores the world around her. So how can you tell the difference between overstepping your bounds — and stepping in when she truly needs you?
There’s no list of behaviors that officially make someone a helicopter parent. But experts typically look at these actions to determine whether a parent might be over-involved:
- Constantly guiding your child to do certain activities or pushing her to complete activities when she’s not interested, like doing arts and crafts when she’d rather play with a ball.
- Taking unnecessary steps to protect your child from harm, like carrying your child from place to place instead of letting her practice crawling or walking in a safe environment.
- Taking unnecessary steps to comfort your child when she isn’t very upset, like making a huge deal out of a little bump or scrape.
- Making unnecessary decisions for your child, like picking what puzzle she should do.
- Helping your child with a task she can do on her own (or is working on mastering), like giving her a toy that’s out of reach instead of letting her reach, crawl or walk for it.
Of course, every family is different, and you know your little one best. So go with your gut. If you sense that your baby or toddler truly needs help with something, give her a bit of guidance. But if you suspect that there’s a chance she could do something on her own, you might want to let her give it a try.
What effect does helicopter parenting have on kids?
You love your child and want to protect her — that's a good thing. And swooping in to lend your little one a hand with her blocks or her sippy cup might not seem like a big deal. But a pattern of helicoptering could add up to negative effects over time, experts say.
Some research shows that over-controlling, overprotective parenting can lead children to think that the world is a scary or dangerous place. It might also make it harder for kids to regulate their emotions and behaviors — making them more prone to, say, being disruptive in school or melting down when things don’t go their way.
Constantly stepping in can make it harder for a child to take risks, make mistakes and experience failure. That process of trial and error helps a child believe in herself — letting kids figure things out on their own fosters a sense of independence and a willingness to try new things.
How to avoid helicopter parenting
Learning to back off a little bit can be tough — especially when you have a child who’s still too young to talk (or only talks a little bit), wants to get into everything and doesn’t yet understand how to avoid things that could hurt her. But it’s possible to cultivate more independence in your child while still helping her stay safe.
Striking the right balance will look different for every family. But a good place to begin is by trusting your built-in desire to be a good parent.
When you feel that urge to swoop in, consider instead waiting and just seeing what happens. When your tot is having trouble picking up a piece of slippery food or fitting a piece into her puzzle, give her some time to work through the situation. (It’s okay if she gets a little frustrated!) She might surprise you and come up with a solution all on her own. And if, after a little while, it seems like she could use some assistance, try helping her figure it out instead of doing it for her.
That doesn’t mean that you need to be hands-off all the time, of course. You should always step in when your child’s safety is at risk — like if she’s reaching for a dangerous object or running into the street. Same goes for when she could potentially harm someone else, such as by hitting or biting another child.
The bottom line? Helicopter parenting may make it harder for kids to take risks and experience successes and failures on their own. So as wonderful (and important) as it is to protect your child, it can be beneficial to step back and let her figure things out for herself in safe situations. She’ll boost her confidence and learn plenty of valuable lessons — and you’ll feel proud as you watch her grow.
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