When it comes to the word "no," little kids can really dish it out, but they sure can't take it. When you try to make your tot toe the line, she issues a giggle (or a big fat "no") and blithely continues her mischievous misdeeds. Or maybe you offer your toddler her favorite story, her best-loved shirt, her must-have mac 'n' cheese and the response you get is still exasperating: No. No. No.
Where did all this negativity come from? Here's why your toddler loves that two-letter word — and how to deal with her constantly saying it.
Why toddlers say no
Yes, your child can hear you; she's just not listening. Beneath this burst of negativity are the seeds of self-expression. In fact, by pointedly ignoring your orders, she's accomplishing two of her most important goals: testing your authority and asserting her independence.
"No" is actually a toddler's way of laying down the law after months of letting you call the shots. Now that she can (sort of) articulate her feelings, the message is clear: Your days of undisputed power are over, Mom.
Frustrating though it is, negativity is part of a healthy developmental phase that kids can't avoid and you shouldn't try to squash. And in truth, the battle for self-determination lasts throughout childhood into the teenage years (and often well beyond), so chances are your child will periodically push your buttons for, say, a decade or two.
Hang in there — the worst of this phase will probably blow over by your child's second birthday, when the nonstop "no" yields to a more cooperative spirit.
How to deal with a toddler saying no to everything
If every other word out of your toddler's mouth is N-O, you can help her break the habit by trying some simple strategies:
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Play it cool
Make a real effort not to let this behavior get to you. When she shouts "no!" it can be tempting to shout back "yes!" But getting riled up will only fuel her fire (and raise your blood pressure).
Stay calm and use reason: Explain that while you understand her feelings, sometimes she simply has to do what you say — even if she doesn't want to.
Pick your battles
Do try to say yes to "no" sometimes.[1] Yielding power can be just as important as wielding it.
If your toddler says "no" when the stakes are low, consider capitulating to keep the peace and let her have the satisfaction of calling the shots. For example, if you want her to wear the pink socks but she insists on the red, let her have her way. (But don't give in during a temper tantrum — that will only encourage future meltdowns.)
Minimize opportunities for "no"
Cut down on her chances to refuse by casting your questions carefully.[2] Instead of asking, "Would you like green beans tonight?" offer a choice: "Do you want green beans or peas?" Let her participate in the decision-making process, and she'll feel more in charge of her dinner — and her destiny.
Don't offer choices when they don't exist
Avoid asking your child to weigh in when the issue is non-negotiable. For example, saying "How about if we go to the doctor today?" is likely to spawn a mini-mutiny. In cases when your tot's got no choice, it's best just to tell it like it is. ("Today we're going to the doctor.")
Bypass bossy behavior
Nobody enjoys being ordered around — least of all a headstrong toddler. Instead, try to make your child a partner in tackling tasks.
If you're trying to get her buckled into her car seat, for example, say, "Okay, here's the car. What do we do next?" That way, she'll focus on your shared goal and (just maybe) skip the power struggle.
Use "no" selectively
Many parents don't realize how often they end up saying no: "No playing in the dining room." "No touching Mommy's phone." "No cookies." A tot who hears the word all the time will learn to say "no" right back to you.
How to get your toddler to listen to you
If you find that you're also saying "no" all the time, you might realize that the word is losing some of its power. Reduce the number of times you'll need to say it by trying the following:
Focus on the positive
If possible, think before you say "no," use it sparingly or try to avoid it altogether by turning a negative into a positive. Talk to your toddler about what you expect her to do ("Please stay on the sidewalk") rather than what's forbidden ("Don't stomp in the mud"). This will make off-limits activities (a little) less tempting.
You can also offer alternatives: For example, say, "You can play in the playroom instead of the dining room" or "You can't have a cookie but you can have a piece of melon."
Say "no" like you mean it
When you do need to say it, use a tone of voice to match. It's all too easy to laugh at a toddler's rascally antics, but if she thinks you don't take your rules seriously, neither will she.
Be consistent about consequences
Back up your rules with definitive action should they be broken.[3] If you tell your tot to stay out of your dresser and she rummages through your drawers anyway, immediately follow through with a straightforward penalty — tell her you're upset she didn't listen and remove her from the room.
Explain the reasons behind the rules
If kids understand why a rule exists, they may find it easier to follow. Keep it simple: "Stay away from the stove because it's very hot and can burn you." "Don't climb on the bookcase; it could tip over on top of you."
Don't scold too soon
If you forecast misdeeds and admonish prematurely (for example, you say, "Don't touch the iPad!" when she's merely looking at it), she'll be more inclined to break the rules than if you'd said nothing at all. After all, if you react so strongly, whatever it is must be worth touching.
Reduce temptations
While some things exceed your control, arrange her environment in ways that maximize her freedom when possible. For example, store tempting items (a countertop cookie jar, verboten electronics … ) out of sight and out of reach.
Encourage self-control
Try granting your toddler limited access to certain objects ("It's okay to use these special cups for your restaurant, but only if I'm here with you") and see how she handles it.
Commend compliance
In the (rare) event that your toddler follows directions on the first try, take time to acknowledge that. ("Thanks for putting your shoes on, buddy.") A quick pat on the back will motivate her to cooperate in the future. And by the way, that works with grown-ups too.
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