If you follow parenting TikTok, you’ve likely heard the term "default parent resentment." I can’t scroll far without seeing videos of parents (mostly moms) talking about burnout from carrying the mental load of caregiving and running a household. The bulk of the child-rearing responsibilities often fall on maternal figures, especially moms who do not work or work from home. As I watch these moms air their frustrations on TikTok, I can vividly see myself in them.
When I became a military spouse, community messaging dictated my role: Take care of the homefront. So, naturally, when we started a family, we shared the expectation that I would carry the everyday responsibility of caring for our children and our home. I had watched my mom do it for years, and I assumed the role would come easily for me. But what I neglected to consider were the times she closed herself off in her room because she shouldered the overwhelming load of parenting me and my siblings 24/7.
Now, I recognize my mother’s struggle as the default parent, and, in my early days of being a stay-at-home mother, I felt it constantly. Managing the home and primary parent tasks while watching my husband frolic off to work every day (yes, in my mind, he was skipping) felt overwhelming.
I soon realized we’d created a culture where my children walked past their dad to ask me for a snack. Or they would find me on the toilet because they didn’t want to "bother" Daddy, who was sitting in the same room as them scrolling on his phone. When he stepped in, he came to me for step-by-step instructions.
While I didn’t blame him for working a job that required him to spend more hours outside of the house and away from our kids, I did resent the fact that he didn’t even realize this pattern of default parenting. Experts share that there are ways to improve the balance in parenting and it starts with communication.
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What is a default parent?
“The default parent is the parent who takes the assumed role of primary caregiver in the home,” says Stephanie Lucas, a licensed marriage and family therapist. A default parent manages a heavy mental load — the often invisible labor required to run a household and family.
The role can fall to the stay-at-home parent, a full-time working parent or a single parent with a co-parent who lives outside the home.
"One parent is the first line of defense or just carrying a lot more responsibilities," explains Amber Thornton, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist and motherhood wellness expert.
This structure isn’t necessarily a bad thing. “Families are busy, and sometimes having an identified point person to manage the family's needs is a great way to tackle the difficulty of family life with efficiency," Lucas says.
However, in some cases, this dynamic can lead to unintended negative consequences.
What can lead to default parent resentment?
My resentment started early on when the burnout became overwhelming. At times, I felt my husband could have stepped in, but the assumption was that I would handle it, or I stayed quiet because I felt I shouldn’t have to ask. Yes — certain things were my "job," but those lines often blurred. I couldn’t clock out of my "job," and I wasn’t off on weekends.
"Lack of recognition of the amount of work done by the default parent can be huge," Lucas says, "So much of this role can be invisible to a spouse — especially if they've never had a turn at the helm." The following experiences can cause default parent resentment, according to experts:
- Assuming one partner should be the default without discussing it as a team
- Being taken for granted by the non-default parent
- Not feeling supported with daily parenting tasks
- Feeling like all you do is being overlooked
- Choosing to parent based on gender norms and socially dictated roles
- Parenting without a plan that works for both partners
- Seeing the non-default parent enjoy time, freedom and flexibility you don’t have
- Being closed mouthed about how your partner’s lack of action or awareness makes you feel
How to prevent default parent resentment
Many moms like me look to undo this common parenting pattern for a more cohesive, flexible and dually supportive system. Experts share how to do it:
Check in with yourself
Sometimes parents get stuck in the mindset that because things have always been done a certain way, that's the way they will always be. But if you check in with yourself and reevaluate what's contributing to your mental load, you can start exploring how things could look different.
Doing this self-reflection can help you prepare to talk with your partner and have a solution-oriented dialogue.
Have a conversation
Sometimes I’d feel a tad guilty when I needed more support from my husband. But not letting him know how I felt only added to my resentment.
For parents-to-be, share with each other the vision you have for your home and who will operate in which roles. Furthermore, explore why you have those beliefs, Dr. Thornton says. Did you grow up seeing one parent take the lead on certain tasks?
If you’re already a default parent, be open about what needs to change so you feel supported. "These roles should always be collaborative and flexible," Lucas says. "The non-default parent should initiate check-ins frequently."
A check-in might look like asking the default parent about their stress level, and what they'd like help with or if they're feeling frustrated in any particular areas.
Give the non-default parent a chance to hone their skills
It may seem like one parent is better suited to manage children, but the default parent has also had more of an opportunity to exercise their caretaking muscles, Dr. Thornton says.
"As we gain more experience, we gain more skills with how to navigate certain things with our children," she says. The non-default parent should take turns stepping into the primary caregiver role without direction or judgment so they can also build on their skills.
Create a shared family calendar
Align your schedules, and divvy up responsibilities accordingly. Hold one another accountable for the things that need to get done. Follow this up with regular chats to make sure your plan doesn’t leave one parent overwhelmed.
Restructure responsibilities as your family dynamic changes
Over time, I went from being a stay-at-home mom to becoming a work-from-home mom, so we had to change our routines. Now, we share responsibilities and have weekly check-ins. One of us picks up the slack if the other has a more demanding schedule, and there’s a lot more harmony at home.
"Even if the balance is imperfect, the most important part is that couples feel like they're working on it together," Lucas says.
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